


A Moment In Time

by men_acinex



Category: My Babysitter's A Vampire
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27872725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/men_acinex/pseuds/men_acinex
Summary: Ethan and Benny are experiencing what teenage angst is for the first time while going through the trials of love, jealousy, and parental problems. Will saying how they really feel make things better or worse?
Relationships: Ethan Morgan/Benny Weir
Comments: 43
Kudos: 29





	1. 1.

Fall reminded me of my favorite feelings. The air that formed goosebumps on my skin in the early morning never failed to bring a wave of fond memories to the forefront of my mind. If anything, it wasn’t the feelings that I remember so tenderly, but the feelings that came with them. Really, I tried not to think too hard about the memories. I like to preserve them, to keep them in their natural state without the meddling of falsified details. But the feeling? It never changes

One of the feelings I remember fondly is when I have to race next door in the early-morning chill to wait for my best friend, and next-door neighbor, Benny, to get ready for school so we could walk to the bus together. Today was the first of those mornings, as every other one had been warm and unwelcoming, with the desperate attempts from keeping my armpits from sweating as soon as I left the safety of my air conditioned home. 

Benny was in the middle of picking out an outfit when I walked upstairs to find him. When I opened his front door, I was welcomed by the lukewarm air and his dog, Mazie. She’s the sweetest thing, four years old and still energized like a puppy. She followed me up the stairs to where I found Benny’s room, door wide open as usual, with clothes scattered all over the floor.

“Fuck. I hate when the weather gets like this, I never know how to dress for it and I wake up freezing.”

“Maybe that’s because you throw all your blankets on the floor while you sleep,” I say as I sit down on his bed, leaning against the headboard. I can't help but be reminded of him pelting blankets onto the floor where I sleep over during the night.

“Okay, true. You got me there, but, I still can’t choose an outfit.” I rubbed my eyes then looked at his options; a plain black sweater, or a Star Wars T-shirt with his green zip-up hoodie.

“Go with the zip-up. You’ll be able to take it off when it gets hot later.”

He contemplates my response for a moment. “Yeah. You’re right.” He switches from his sleep shirt to the second option, then pulls his jeans over his boxers. When he leaves for the bathroom, I don’t even pay him any mind by taking out my phone. I know his hair will take him awhile.

On the bus ride to school, Benny fills me in on his studies by showing me the notes he writes in his journal. He’s been studying witchcraft for weeks now, but he likes to refer to himself as a warlock.

“Okay, so I had to write down what each different color of wax is supposed to do for spells, and like, why it matters. I think I’ve already showed you all the stuff about the different herbs. Well, at least the ones my grandma keeps in the kitchen. I still don’t know where I can get the weird ones.”

I skimmed over his notes, scribbled in green ink. “Do you want to go get candles later?” I ask.

“Sure. I just need sticks.”

“Okay, cool. Also, Sarah texted me this morning and told me to tell you that Erica and her want us to come over for a “kick back” tomorrow night. You wanna go?” 

His face lights up even more than before. “Yes! Wow, I never thought people like them would want to invite me- Well, us, to kickbacks.”

“You sure you didn’t perform any spell on them?” I tease.

“Shut up,” he laughs.

Ever since Sarah and Erica got paired up with us for a group project in a juniors class Benny and I were taking, they’ve sort of accepted us into their friend group of what Benny would call “cool cats”. Really, they’re stoners and they’re laidback. Pretty much the opposite of everything we use to think about them. Benny tells me he thinks Sarah and Erica are the hottest girls he’s ever seen in all his years, but I don’t think he believes that. Not that they aren’t beautiful, I just don’t think Benny knows what to do with female attention.

A week or so ago, Sarah and Erica came over Benny’s to get us high for the first time. His grandma is an older hippie woman who didn’t mind at all when Benny told her the truth about the girls intentions for coming over. “Rather you do it at the house,” is what he quoted her saying. We did it in his backyard, surrounded by the sunflowers his grandma plants. Benny just talked about The Riddler comics the whole time so I sort of doubted the girls were finding him to be any sort of ladies man material.

The day came and went and before I knew it, it was tomorrow night. Benny and I were in my bedroom, playing smash on the Xbox while we waited for it to be time to leave. The house that was hosting was only a couple streets away, but Benny couldn’t stop complaining over the walk.

“It’s going to be cold on the way back, can’t we just ask Erica to pick us up?” he whined.

“Why would we make her go out of her way for that? It’s literally a fifteen minute walk dude, you’ll be fine.”

“But it would be a five minute drive.”

“If you get cold, you can walk faster to make it take less time.”

He was winning in the game despite my best effort to beat him. “Awwww, fuck!”

“Better luck next time.”

I set down the controller on my TV stand. “Okay, are you ready to go?” I asked, turning to look at him.

“Yeah.”

I stood up, put my keys in my pocket, and threw on my favorite Bob Ross christmas sweatshirt. Yeah, it wasn’t anywhere near Christmas yet, but it’s warm and one of my favorites. We began the walk to the house in the street lights. 

“Do you think they’ll be more girls there?” Benny asked.

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“I think Sarah likes you.” 

I shrugged. “I really doubt that. She could get with any older dude with a car and who isn’t the same size as her.”

“Oh, you are so not the same size as her. You’re like, small, but she’s tiny.”

Laughing, I said,”Gee, that makes me feel better.”

“No, I’m just saying she makes you look tall!” He back peddles.

“Eh, don’t worry about it. I think she just sees me as a friend.”

“Doesn’t have to be that way forever.”

“We’ll see.”

In all honesty, I wasn’t interested in Sarah like that. Maybe I could be, but it’s too early in the friendship to know if she’s even a good friend, much less if she’s the type to be a good girlfriend. We’ve never had girlfriends before, besides those silly middle-school things where you hold hands at lunch and the relationship peaks after you peck them on the lips. Because of my lack of, well, experience, I don’t even know if I’d make a good boyfriend. 

When we were walking up to the house, I texted Sarah that we were there so by the time we reached the door, she was there to greet us. “Hi guys!” she exclaimed.

“Hi, Sarah,” Benny said with a huge smile. He looked like an eager puppy.

“Come in, I want to introduce you to Danielle. She thinks you’re cute,” Sarah says to Benny, whispering the second half.

Danielle is the girl who lives here, hosting the get-together. Benny turned a bright shade of pink when Sarah brought the two together. The second she touched his arm he was infatuated, and I but all ceased to exist in Bennys world anymore. 

“Ethan, have you ever had a White claw before?” Erica asked casually. She held out a black cherry flavored can to me. 

“No, actually, but I’ll drink it just for you.” 

We were in Danielle’s basement now, with the LED lights that lined the door frame set to blue. I was on my second white claw, while sitting on the floor beneath Erica on the couch while she played with my hair from above. Danielle and Sarah had a couple other girl friends here with us, along with one of their boyfriend’s, but he didn’t pay me or Benny too much attention. His girl seemed kind of clingy and needed his undivided attention. 

We had smoked outside on the back porch, so I was feeling calm and relaxed while Erica did what I assumed to be braiding on my scalp. Dance Moms was playing on the TV and I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what all the excitement around high school parties were about. If so, this was a scene I could tolerate and even grow to love. 

Sarah sat cuddled up to Erica, eating chips and salsa from the bag and the jar. After looking at Sarah, I wonder where Benny went. Glancing around the room, I spot him in a corner on a loveseat. Danielle sits in his lap, running her fingers through her hair, down the side of his face, which reflect the intense glow of the blue light across the room. If I had kept facing forward, I couldn’t have even seen them in my peripheral. But there I was, looking right at them. 

I tried to be discreet by resting my head on my knees. Benny was giggling and Danielle was smiling. He pushed her dark hair behind her ear. I had never seen him act so gentle, so soft, or so different from the clumsy, wreckless boy I know. The way his fingertips glide across her face and behind her ear look so foreign- so out of place, yet completely natural simultaneously. 

She took his face in her small hands, then was leaning down to meet her lips to Benny’s. The sinking in my chest to my stomach felt like a weight of ten bricks entered my body. I think I forgot how to breathe. Watching their lips move together effortlessly brought a tightness into my stomach. Suddenly, I was up on my feet and was racing to the room I vaguely remembered as the bathroom. 

After shutting the door behind me, I dropped to my knees and began a coughing fit. My body began to shake, and next thing I remembered was vomiting into the toilet. It only lasted about thirty seconds, but the sweating and shaking I experienced afterwards felt like a thousand years. 

I flushed the toilet. I sat back against the wall. Why the hell did I just get so sick? Man, it would suck if drinking didn’t agree with me. Or maybe I did what Sarah warned me of, called “greening out”. 

“Ethan, are you okay?” Sarah’s voice asked from outside the door.

“Uh, yeah. I think I greened out.”

“Okay, hold on, I’ll be right back. Open the door, though.” I did as she said and cracked it open. A moment later, she appeared with a water bottle and a towel. 

“Sorry, god, this is pretty embarrassing.” I took the water bottle and began drinking from it. 

“Oh, no, don’t worry. It has happened to every one of us. Sometimes it still does if we didn’t eat or something before getting high. Don’t feel bad,” she reassured me with a smile, then wiped the sweat off my forehead and neck. The towel was cold against my skin and soothed the heat flash I felt like I was in. 

“Does Danielle actually like Benny or does she just wanna fuck him?” 

“Um, I think both. She’s not the type to hook up only based on looks. Like, she likes funny guys and nice guys and thinks that’s important before she fucks them.”

“Oh, well that’s good. I just hope she knows he’s never done that before.” I realized after that left my mouth that i probably should’ve kept that piece of truth to myself.

“Wait, what? Benny’s a virgin?” 

“Ah, fuck. Sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that. But yeah.”

“I mean, I don’t care I just figured he’s at least had a girlfriend before.” She joined me sitting on the floor. 

“Nope. Barely even kissed girls.”

“Wow. They went up to her room, so I hope Danielle is having fun with that,” she laughs. I smirk and shake my head.

“God, that’s gonna be a funny story in the morning.” 

After a while, Sarah took me back downstairs. Everyone else had cleared out, except Erica was just asleep, curled up under a blanket. I thought she looked beautiful and peaceful there, so out of her element of being lively. I couldn’t help but wonder what Benny and Danielle were doing upstairs; were they having sex? Was I in the same house while Benny was losing his virginity. I cringed at the thought. 

Somehow this seemed right; I was the one who embarrassed themselves and Benny was the one getting laid. He has this thing about him that gives him the best luck in the world. I, however, had the worst. Maybe that’s why we made such a good team.


	2. 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys it’s been a long time since i’ve published work for the public to read so any feedback/opinions/commentary is welcome :) this chapter is a little shorter but i’m already working on the next one and it has more length

“Hey, sorry you had to walk him by yourself last night, but I could not leave even if I wanted to. Danielle fell asleep on my arm.” 

My eyes snapped open. “Huh?”

Benny was in my bedroom, crouched in front of face. “You know? We went to her kick back? She took me up to her room?” Benny stated inquisitively.

“Bro, I just fucking woke up, give me a second,” I said, rubbing my eyes. I indulged in a deep sigh as my brain got the oil to loosen the wheels and realized what kind of conversation I was about to have with Benny.

“Yeah. How was it?” I asked passively.

“Well, I know what you’re thinking, but no. Well, yes but no.” He sticks his hands out in front to motion for me to stop my train of thoughts. I looked at him unamused. “She brought me up to her room, we were making out, I even saw her boobs, she took her shirt off. Yes, I felt them too. But then she said she felt tired. So we just cuddled in her bed and she fell asleep.”

I let out the breath I didn’t even know I had been holding. “Oh, word, that’s what’s up.” 

“Right. Anyways, I brought you cereal. It’s on the nightstand. See you later,” he said, then left my room. I waited until I heard my front door shut. 

Bickering from my parents below travelled up the stairs. Lately they’ve been arguing every day, but it’s not about money. We’ve lived in the same house, same town, and they’ve had the same jobs almost my whole life, but every day there seems to be a reason for them to be at each other’s throats. I stuck some headphones on in an attempt to drown them out.

My sister had a soccer tournament today that I had to go to. Usually I only have to stay for a couple games, but I guess it’s my brotherly duty to support her. She was already there, but me and my parents had time before we had to leave. Not my ideal Saturday plans, unfortunately.

The ride there was basically silent except for the radio show my dad listens to. It was only about twenty-five minutes one way, but it felt like forever with the way you could cut their bitter mood with a knife. We sat in the bleachers, the ice between my parents was slowly melting, I snacked on trail mix, and shivered periodically underneath my clothes. The worst part about this sport for spectators was enduring the weather.

Halfway through the last game I received a text from Benny.

Benny: coming to pick you up in 30 w grandma  
Me: sounds good

“Hey, Benny is coming to get me soon,” I told my mom.

“Okay. Let me say hi to his grandma before you guys go.”

“Alright.”

Anticipation filled me now. There was only so much I could endure of watching Jane run up and down a field for a day. She’s actually a good player with talent, and gets a lot of field time, but soccer wasn’t my thing and definitely not my choice of entertainment. The “23” on the back of her red, long sleeved journey stood out against the other team, so I could at least keep track of which one was mine.

Benny tells me he’s here right on time, thirty minutes after I received his original message. My mom and I walked out to the parking lot, and she greeted his grandma in the driver's seat as I dove into the back of his grandma’s 2008 Honda CR-V.

“Hey, thank god you came to get me.”

“I know how boring these are. Hey, listen, let’s watch the new spider-man tonight, it’s on Disney plus now.” 

“If you insist, but we saw it when it came out.”

“Okay, and? It’s a good movie and Zendaya is hot.”

“True.” 

Benny’s house always felt less empty to me than my own despite only two people living there, but I guess I could consider myself a resident like he could consider himself one at mine. It was just him and his grandma there. Both of his parents left at different times, his dad when he was five and his mom when he was eleven, so his grandma was the one who raised him. She loved him more than anything, and I could see it in the way she never failed to give him the love his parents didn’t. The way he describes his life with his grandma, it’s almost like his parents leaving never mattered. Almost.

Nights like these I feel more grateful for having a safe space in Benny’s home, because while we’re watching Spider-man in his living room, something catches my eye. Out the window, I can see my parents in my kitchen. They’re talking, my mom’s arms crossed and my dad’s are out in front of him, being used as he speaks. I can tell they’re arguing. 

As I watch, I wonder if they’ve ever stopped to think that Benny’s family could see them with how they leave the windows uncovered. My dad picks up a plate and throws it at the wall next to my mom, and I flinch as I watch it break into pieces.

“You good?” Benny asked.

“Uh, no,” I said, pointing out the window for him to see. “He just threw a plate at her.”

“Oh…”

My dad leaves the kitchen. My mom stands at the sink and looks down into it with her hands resting on the counter. “Do you want to finish the movie upstairs?” Benny asked.

I nodded. He turned it off and I took myself upstairs. I kind of just stood there, staring at Benny’s desk in the dark until he followed up here. The heavy feeling in my chest overcame me. I don’t even understand what’s gone wrong between my parents. What was there to be so angry about? I thought about Jane and if she heard what happened. 

A hand came onto my shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m sure everything is going to be fine with them.” 

“I just don’t know what’s even wrong between them.” 

We settle onto his bed and he pulls up the movie on his laptop. I cradle myself into a blanket, hoping it provides any comfort. We watch in silence for a while, the air being heavy in the room. Benny has a salt lamp that gave the room some light, but besides that we were enveloped in the night.

“Do you think he could be cheating on her?” 

I think about it for a moment. “You know, maybe. It’s not about money, for sure.”

“Seems too angry to be just falling out of love.”

I sigh deeply. “I never want to be in love.” 

“Because of them?” 

“Yeah, they just seem so… trapped, I don’t know. Soccer tournaments, nine to five, small town, same people, never go on dates anymore, always trying to look happy in front of the kids. Just seems kind of empty to me, nothing to be in love with, anymore.”

“Well, when you put it that way, it sounds really hopeless. Maybe that’s why he would cheat.” 

“I guess I’ll have to ask.”

At this point I’m not even watching the screen, just staring at the bed covers and observing the way the light reflects off them, creating that kind of beautiful half shadow from the salt lamp. The kind of shadow that makes everything look beautiful and artistic, almost like I could take a picture of the orange glow to remember it as it stands. 

I begin to drift off. My eyelids become too heavy to fight, and the sounds of the money become muffled and difficult to follow. The sound fades into almost nothing, and all that I resonate with is the faint glowing of the light I can feel from behind my closed eyelids. Benny seems to notice I’ve closed my eyes because I hear the laptop gently shut, and feel him shift to set it on the floor. My blanket moves, the heavy weight of it being pulled over my shoulders by him. He moves under the covers as well, and maybe I was dreaming by this point, but I could swear I felt him take hold of my hand before I finally was taken under.


	3. 3.

Monday morning was just another day out of the playbook. I was up, dressed in layers, and at Benny's all by 6:45 in the morning. We rode the bus, I observed his scribbling about crystals, and we were eating lunch before I knew it. I always packed two lunches; one for me, one for Benny. The cafeteria food was inedible on its best days, and a biohazard at its usual. There was nothing special about the food I made us: a sandwich, chips, and peanut butter with apples.

“You guys are so adorable,” Sarah said when she sat down next to us. 

“Oh? Why? I mean- thanks?” I sputtered.

“You match your lunches. That’s so cute.”

“Oh thanks, the food here is just terrible.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” said Erica, picking at her chicken sandwich. Her blonde hair was stuffed under a beanie today, with a very loose ponytail holding it together. 

“Benny, you know Danielle could not. Stop. Talking about you all yesterday,” Sarah said.

“Oh, what did she say?”

I looked away to discreetly roll my eyes. She doesn’t even know him.

“She said you’re cute and funny and wishes you’d text her.”

“Well, she didn’t give me her snap.”

I made eye contact with Erica, sitting across from me. She raised her eyebrows and looked to the side with the same energy of being unamused as myself. 

“What? No way. Here-“ Sarah exclaimed, pulling out her phone. “There, add her.” Benny did as she said and scanned Danielle’s snapcode.

That’s when I notice her walking over to sit with us. Her tall stature only increased as she neared, and I couldn’t help but notice how out of Benny’s league she is. When she got to the table, she greeted everyone besides me. She sat on the other side of Benny and instantly talked up a storm, asking about his day, his hair, his science project. I think the two of them forgot the rest of us were even in the vicinity, because when Erica motioned for us to stand up and move discreetly, I didn’t even see Benny flinch.

“God, I cannot stand romance,” Erica groaned while we walked out the cafeteria doors to the greenery outside.

“I don’t think that qualifies as ‘romance’,” I replied.

“I mean, maybe she does like him but I think Dani is just fulfilling some geek-boy fantasy she has. No offense.”

“None taken, you kind of make a point…”

“Guys, why are you being so negative about her?” Sarah chimes in.

“Because she barely knows him and Benny has no clue how to tell the difference between a girl liking him or a girl wanting to fuck him. I don’t want to see him get hurt,” I sharply stated.

“Okay, once again, no offense, but he’s right, Sarah. Benny probably doesn’t know what it’s like to have a girl girl like him. He’s probably gonna fall completely in love, and she’s gonna fall in love with her nerd kink fantasy and ghost him when she’s over it.”

“Do you really think that lowly of her?” Sarah asked.

“No! She doesn’t have to fucking love him. There’s nothing wrong with her just wanting to hook up, but for fucks sake, look at him-“ Erica says, pointing to Benny and Danielle in the cafeteria. He looks like a puppy looking at a piece of meat. “Does that look like a boy who knows how to separate a hook up from falling in love?” 

Sarah sighs and rolls her eyes. “Okay, fine. I’ll talk to her.”

On the walk home, I decided to ask Benny straight up what his feelings were. “So, do you like Danielle?”

“Uh, yeah, I mean I don’t really know her like that yet. Why, you jealous?” he teased.

“No, I just don’t want to lose my friend to a girl, yet.”

“Well, you could ask Erica or Sarah out.”

“What happened to them being the ‘’most beautiful girls you’ve ever seen’? Did Danielle out-pretty them? Also, I don’t think Erica likes boys like that,” I said.

“Okay, okay, there are lots of different types of pretty girls. And what do you mean?”

“Erica is probably gay. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her talk about a boy.”

“I guess. Seems kind of like a large jump there.”

“It’s just an assumption.” 

I leave it at that, then walk in a haste to my front door without saying goodbye. Jane is in her room doing homework, and I almost think to stop to ask if she’s doing okay. I can’t bring myself to do it, though. Her years of being a sassy child have sort of scarred me from making any emotional connection or showing vulnerability with her. I can’t imagine her laughing in my face for worrying about our parents. I pass her room and go straight to mine.

I pressed my pillow over my eyes. The pressure in my head from the conversations of today was too much for my slow brain to handle. Why couldn’t Benny just be perspective about girls? The last thing I wanted to be right now was the bad guy. Maybe not being girl-crazy has shielded me from this type of trouble.

Later that night, Erica calls me. “Hey, what are you doing?”. Truthfully, I was lying under about three blankets in the dark, watching Youtube gameplay off my tablet for the past three hours, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. I may think Erica is gay, but I don’t want her to think I’m a loser.

“Uh, just chillin’ at home, you?”

“I’m outside your house. You wanna come smoke?”

“Yeah, give me a couple minutes.”

I slowly unroll myself from the blanket prison I was in, and throw on a thick sweatshirt and two pairs of socks. A beanie should also suffice. I’m a weak man for the cold weather of the night. I give myself a sniff, and decide putting on more deodorant is probably a good idea. Good enough, I hope.

“I’m hanging out with Erica,” I call out as I hustle down the stairs, with faith some parental figure or just my sister will hear me. I head out to see Erica sitting on the curb. In the twilight, she almost looks gothic-romantic. She doesn’t hear me, so the back of her head stays illuminated in the deep blue of the sky setting in. To my surprise, it’s only her. No Sarah to be seen. 

“Hey,” I said softly when I walked up behind her. She turns her head and faces up to me.

“You want to go on a walk to the park?” 

“Sure.”

We begin in the general direction of the neighborhood park. She sparks a blunt that she pulled from her backpack. “One day I’ll have to teach you to roll,” she says, hitting the blunt a couple times then handing it to me. 

“Yeah, I’d love to learn. Thanks for letting me smoke up all your weed,” I replied after I hit it.

“Anything for a friend.”

“So what made you come ask me to smoke and not Sarah or Benny?” I asked with transparency. We were able to see the park in the distance, and the world was becoming slow and sharp again.

“Well, honestly? I was just thinking about what went down at lunch today. And I don’t know what’s going on with Sarah, but she definitely isn’t looking out for Benny about Danielle. Like, not on purpose obviously. I don’t know.” She goes quiet and just smokes some more. 

“Yeah, I don’t want to kill Benny’s parade, though. He won’t want to listen, so I'm going to let him figure it out himself,” I say. 

“Probably the smartest way to go. Just sucks seeing Sarah be a bad friend.” Erica pulls out a pack of cigarettes from her bag. She hands me the blunt then sparks up her cigarette. After I take one more hit. I put the blunt out on the asphalt. 

“I’m definitely not gonna finish that.” We sit on the curb on the parking lot that faces the play set of the park. She opens up her bag and puts the roach of the blunt in her grinder. She hands me a cigarette of my own, and I take it tentatively.

“You got to let me buy you weed or something, I feel bad taking your stuff.”

“I have a job for a reason. Just be a good friend and you don’t need to feel bad. I offer you my shit because I like you,” she said with a closed-lip smile. 

“I can do that, absolutely.” Everything about Erica seemed so ethereal in this moment. Her blonde hair gently flowing in the wind, her red eyes that hung low, the genuine smile on her face. It hurts to think how lucky I am to call her my friend.

“What’s with your parents?” she asked suddenly.

“Uh, not sure, why?” 

“Your mom stormed out of the house when I was walking up.”

“Huh. Usually I notice when they’re fighting. I don’t know, honestly, Benny thinks my dad cheated on her. He threw a plate at her head the other night.” 

“Damn. You okay?”

I shrugged.

“How’s your mom?” I asked. Her dad left just like Benny’s.

“Oh, you know. Still chasing men who don’t love her and then telling me all about it. Last night she told me how she tried to fuck the gas station cashier on Yarmouth but he couldn’t get it up.” 

“Damn, definitely would not want to be you hearing about that,” I said.

“Yeah, sometimes I don’t get why she doesn’t think before she speaks, but it’s kind of funny if you look at it objectively.” She hits her cigarette and turns to look up at the sky.

“If you say so.”

“Well, I can either cry about it, or laugh about it.”

“Yeah, maybe I should take that advice,” I laughed.

The taste of cigarettes overwhelmed my mouth, but in her presence it was comforting. Like a taste I could remember Erica by. I swear, I had never felt such an intense energy from someone before, other than Benny. As we continued laughing and making jokes, I tried to burn the memory of her sparkling eyes into my head forever. 

“Do you want eyedrops before you walk home?” Erica asked. We were on her porch after I walked her home. 

“Yeah, probably a good idea.” I looked up as she poured them into my eye with ease.

“See you in the morning, Ethan.”

The walk home wasn’t far, but damn, was it cold. My body felt even colder at the thought of if Benny was texting Danielle. Maybe I’m being too hard on this girl, but the thought of them together makes me so uneasy. Losing him to a girl was a fear I didn’t know I had, and suddenly the fear became all-too real. Without Benny, there was no one I could talk to about Marvel movies or video games, or the Youtubers I like or the comic books I read. Sure, maybe Erica would listen, but it wouldn’t be the same.

The air of the night froze my cheeks over. My hands were buried deep in my hoodie pocket. The longer I walked, the more I sobered up, and the colder I felt. As I neared my house, I realized Erica was right; my moms car was still gone. Guess I didn’t need to worry about eye drops after all. 

The next morning at Benny’s, I decided to confide in him. “My mom left last night.” He was lighting his incense passionately, and I guess I was probably messing up his energy cleanse for the day, but this felt more important. 

“What do you mean?” he asked, turning to look at me with the incense stick still in his hand. The scent was called Amber.

“I mean, she took off in her car and hasn’t come back.”

He puts the stick in its holder to burn. “Oh man. Why didn’t you tell me?” He sits next to me in his bed and puts his arm around my waist, pulling me to him. 

“I don’t know, I didn’t want to interrupt anything with Danielle,” I said quietly.

“This is kind of more important than her. Like, she’s literally just a girl. Your mom left. Have you texted her?”

My breath hitched at the first two things he said. She was just some girl to him right now. I closed my eyes, as I was feeling them begin to burn. Crying before school was never my best look. “Yeah. Called too. She doesn’t reply.”

“Did your dad say anything?”

I shook my head. I tensed up further as every second passed. When I gave it too much thought, it hurt. My parents are entitled to fall out of love, but having to pretend like it’s not happening is what’s not okay anymore. Being kept out of the loop is not alright. Maybe just the truth could have saved me from the vulnerability my brain was forcing me into right now.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“Don’t be. I get it. When my mom left, I was even worse off. But your mom could just be cooling down, okay? Don’t jump to the conclusion that she’s gone forever, right now.”

I nod my head. “Yeah… you’re right.” 

I wish I had the emotional intelligence Benny was displaying right now. Truly, I knew I was in a weak moment of over dramatic fear. But if she was really gone, then I’m not sure how I would feel. I love my mom, before these past few months, I actually felt connected to her, and the sudden disconnect only made me want to cling to Benny more. Right now, he was the consistency I had, the type of consistency   
my mom could only dream of being again.

“Wait-“ Benny said, getting up suddenly. He rummaged around the clutter of crystals, incense, and tarot cards on his desk. “Take this today.” He handed me a purple and white crystal. I studied it, kind of half heartedly trying to act like I believed it would help.

“Which one is this?” I asked.

“Lepidolite. It will help your stress in uncertain times. Don’t worry, I charged it yesterday.” 

I laughed. “How do you charge these things again?” 

“Dude, I told you already. You have to cleanse their energy then place them in the sun.”

“Oh yes, my apologies.” 

“It’s not a hard process.”

“I’m sorry we all can’t be a witch.”

“I’m a warlock.”


	4. 4.

The day hurt. I felt like a big storm cloud, dark grey and brooding in a group of fluffy, white ones. During lunch, the most I could manage was gripping the crystal Benny gave me that morning in my hand, while resting my head on my arms against the table. I told Erica  
to eat my lunch; I wasn’t hungry. I was so distressed, I couldn’t even hear Danielle and Benny talking at some point. All I knew was to check my phone for signs of my mom calling or texting back. 

Sarah got filled in by Erica and Benny that morning about what I was in a less-than enjoyable mood today. I guess I should be more bothered by my business spreading so fast, but Danielle doesn’t acknowledge I exist, and the rest of high school doesn’t even know I’m alive. All morning, I gave minimum effort to all my work, and I honestly looked sick as a dog, but not a single student, or teacher, paid me any mind. Benny kept his hand on my shoulder while him and Danielle talked during lunch, and I swear that’s the only reason I didn’t leave Earth and live in my own head.

“Hey, why don’t you come over after school instead of going home?” Benny said on the bus ride back. 

I nodded. “Jane has soccer. So she won’t have to be there alone.” I read my thoughts like a robot aloud. 

I flopped onto Benny’s bed face down. “Hey, stop sulking, we need to get you to play some games.” He had a point, video games did sound appealing. “You can even pick which one.”

My head lifted up. “Mario Kart.”

I pulled my hood up over my head and beanie. Benny’s house was increasingly chilly as the days moved forward, and the second I flopped down on his blankets only moments ago was a harsh reminder. 

“You look like a dog wrapped in a blanket.”

“Maybe that’s what I want to be, ever think of that?”

“That’s why you stink.”

“Dogs don’t even stink,” I retort.

“Dirty dogs do.”

“Your house is cold as fuck.”

“Only a little bit.”

“You’re wearing a sweater and a hoodie.”

“True.” He throws a fuzzy blanket my way from the bin on his book shelf, then leaves the room momentarily. “I turned the heat up so maybe you stop being a baby about the weather.” I rolled my eyes.

Playing Mario Kart was like trying to get an old dog to learn the oldest trick in the book. My brain was not feeling the competitive energy for the first time in my life. Yeah, I could play correct, remember the console like it was my first nature, but my drive to win was basically nonexistent. After two rounds, I set the console down. 

“Can we just do homework or something? My head hurts.”

“Uh, sure. Are you okay?” he asked. I shook my head. 

Truthfully, I only wanted to be alone. “I’m going to go home. Thanks for helping. I’ll text you if anything happens.” 

Benny looked like a kicked puppy when I got up to leave, and a stab in my chest almost convinced me to stay. Benny doesn’t know how to just leave me be, and enjoy somebody’s company in silence unless we were watching something. “Sorry,” I muttered on the way out. 

At home, I saw that Jane was only half an hour away from her return. My dad had to be picking up Jane, so maybe upon their arrival I could get some sort of explanation. My mom's car? Nowhere to be seen, along with her. I checked my phone in the kitchen. Not a single text or call from her. There was a text from Benny from just now, but I wanted to wait a minute to open it. Not like he didn’t know where I was.

I stared at my opened fridge for several minutes. Nothing was appealing. The death grip of the knot in my stomach grew too much to allow for an appetite. To my right, there was an indent in the kitchen cabinets. Probably from my dad. Who knows what I’ve missed. 

I surveyed the kitchen. It’s icy, empty energy sent a chill down my spine. The fluorescents only added to the vacancy of today. They hurt my head and my eyes, and hearing my depressing thoughts all day made me grow tired. I trudged up the stairs in a pursuit of a better mood. Until my mom decided to remember her family exists, I had nothing better to do besides sulk, or make the best out of what I had. 

Erica had given me an old pack of cigarettes she didn’t like earlier today. “Do you want these? They taste like shit to me, but I can’t throw out a full pack of cigs in good conscience. And, well, you won’t know the difference.” 

“Yeah, sure,” I replied, shoving them into my backpack between fifth and sixth period.

She looked me up and down while we were walking. “You look like you need them.”

I rolled my eyes and huffed. “Yeah, Erica. I look like shit, I know.”

She giggled. “Just messing with you, I know you’re upset about your mom and all. But don’t let her get in your head. Don’t let your dad get in your head either. If he was a real man, he would tell you why she left.” 

Her words echoed in my head as I shoved a towel under my bedroom door and opened my window. I sat down on one of my pillows in front of my window, took out one of Erica’s cigarettes, and lit it. I think Erica was onto something with these things; before I met her I don’t think I would have ever chosen to smoke, but the noise in my head quieted as I inhaled into my lungs and breathed out my worries. I turned on music from my phone and let it play quietly behind me. I finally opened my text from Benny while taking another hit.

Benny: sorry if i made things worse, just want to see you feeling better 

Me: don’t worry, i’m ok 

We both knew that wasn’t true, but I felt more at ease in my solitude. No one could hurt me from here. I almost wished Erica was here; she would know what to say. She would make me laugh. That used to be Benny, but it seems girls have driven a wedge between us. I wish it was Benny.

The week came and went. My tuesday night in solitude was decidedly a mistake because that had been Benny’s last moment of free time for me. Every morning since, I received a text that said Danielle was driving him to school and to not wait up for him. The first day, it hurt. A lot. So bad I cried. I reacted in instinct and begged Erica to come get me that morning. 

“You know, Ethan? You look a mess. Your mom left, you have no parental guidance, and you’re crying like a bitch right now,” Erica bluntly stated.

“The fuck is that supposed to help?” I whined.

“We’re skipping. Don’t freak out on me, we can go in late, but you are not going to first hour with snot all over your face.” I didn’t even object, in full awareness of how right her judgement is. She pulled her car off into a quiet street, drove for about five minutes in one direction, then we ended up parked in the Wal-mart parking lot. 

She dug through her center console and handed me some napkins. “So, Dani picked up Benny?” 

“Yes.” I wiped my face in embarrassment, but Erica stared straight ahead at the clouds. She turned off her car part-way, to where only the music played, and cracked her window.

“You and Benny normally go to school together?”

“Yeah. Every morning since like, sixth grade.” I pulled out a cigarette from my pack. “Can I smoke in here?”

“Yeah. I don’t care.” I lit it up. “You feel like he’s abandoning you, huh?” Erica said quietly.

I thought for a moment. The pain in my chest right now didn’t even compare to Monday night when Erica broke the news of my mom leaving. “Uh. Yeah. I think so.” Maybe I would have fared better if I knew whether or not my mom was alive or dead right now. 

“Yeah, I know the feeling.” She finally meets my eyes. “I had a friend like Benny, once. Attached to my hip, liked all the same things I did, but one day they got in a relationship and after a while, it was like I never existed.” She hesitates. “Worst part about it was that I was in love with them.” 

The silence of a turned off car could not have been louder than in this moment. I decided now was as good of a time as any to ask her the question that’s been burning in my head since I met her. “You’re gay, right?” 

She laughs, looking down at the nails of hers she’d been picking out. “Yes, Ethan. I’m gay. Surprised it took you so long to ask.”

“I didn’t want to be rude, Erica,” I said, mocking her. 

“Fair. But yes. They were a girl.” 

“Does she still go to our school?” I asked.

“I didn’t go to school there during this. I lived a couple towns away. Kind of glad we moved, though, because she’s still with her boyfriend and I don’t want to see that.”

“Are you over her?”

“Yeah, just bitter,” she said with an amused grin.

We sit in silence. We both smoke and watch the people come and go from the parking lot. She leans her chair back and takes off her sunglasses. 

“Benny will do whatever is in his heart...eventually.”

I don’t say anything back. I just think about Benny’s heart at this point. What is in his heart? The best friend I know so well, yet not at all. Everything was clouding my mental vision of him. I wanted so badly for him to choose me, at least this week of all weeks, but while I contemplate, I’m left to think with this one thought; what does that say about me?

Erica and I went to school halfway through second hour. We ate lunch in the hallway, just the two of us. I gave her Benny’s lunch that I made before I got the heart breaking text message that told of my abandonment. If Benny wanted to be with her so bad, I’d give him all the space in the world. After school, I made a decision. 

Erica drove me home, to where I packed my backpack with a change of clothes and overnight things, then left a note for Jane. My phone number, just in case she couldn’t remember, and directions on where the easy-to-make food was. Guilt riddled me for leaving Jane, but then again, she had never been very nice to me. 

“Okay, what should we do?” Erica asked. She offered me to stay over tonight, and I had no good reason to object. 

“Homework, I’m behind.” 

“Boring, but good idea.”

Erica lived in an apartment not too far from my house. It was pretty small, with brown carpeted floors and the matching brown tile in the kitchen and bathrooms. Her bedroom consisted of a pink and blue tapestry over the window, her bed in the right corner, which was decorated stuffed animals and a black and red checkered bed set. She had a nightstand, a dresser, a sliding door closet, and a two-seater black couch opposite of her bed. Purple fairy lights lined the ceiling and made the whole aesthetic come together. 

I sat on her couch working while she was on her bed. She played music quietly from a speaker; some type of folk singer with a high voice and soft words. For the first time all week, I felt calm. But, of course, my peace could not last. Benny called me. 

“Hi.”

“Hey, why are you avoiding me?” he asked.

I looked at Erica and mouthed that it was Benny. “Put it on speaker,” she whispered.

“What do you mean?” I replied, holding the phone at an angle so Erica could hear.

“You ditched me at lunch, and I just went to see if you were home and Jane said you were gone.”

“Uh. I didn’t know you were my keeper now,” I laughed. “I’m at Erica’s, and you’re the one who ditched me.”

“What are you talking about?” he said, offended.

“Danielle. This morning. Ditched me for the first time in the morning in like several years.”

“Oh my god, you’re mad over that?”

“Yes, Benny, I’m mad over that.”

He sighed. “You’re killing me, man. Why’s that such a big deal?”

“Did you fucking forget my mom left or something? It wouldn’t have been a big deal had it been any other week. And you were the one who said Danielle was just some girl when it came to being there for me. Sorry that I believed you.” Erica got all excited and shook her fists as a sign of approval.

“Okay, well you have Erica.”

“You were supposed to be there! Not her. God, fuck you, Benny. A girl looks your way once and you forget how to be a good person.” I hung up.

“Damn. Y’all ever fight like that before?” Erica asked. I put my head in my hands. 

“Nope, never needed to.”

I shut all my school work and shoved it into my backpack. “I just don’t get why a girl can show him her boobs once and then he decides I don’t exist!”. Erica laughs. 

“Benny’s never been with a girl before, huh?”

“Definitely not.” I didn’t even feel bad telling his business this time.

“Well, that’s why, Ethan. He’s not gonna let that chance go. And if he thinks she likes his personality, too, then how could he just walk away?”

I roll my eyes. “Who’s side are you on?”

“Ethan, have you been with a girl before?” she asked, eyebrows raised at me.

“No.”

“So, you’re saying you wouldn’t ditch Benny for some puss?”

I snorted. “Not if he needed me.”

Erica let out a long and loud sigh. “Ethan, do you even like girls?” 

I furrowed my eyebrows. “What?”

“Do you? Like? Girls?”

“Uh, yeah. Why?”

“Ethan, you don’t even look at Sarah. Sarah is hot as fuck, and you don’t even think about her. You don’t think about me. You didn’t think Danielle is pretty, either. Have you ever liked a girl, for real?” 

My mind went blank. I couldn’t even think of a name to give her. “I don’t think so, but that doesn’t mean anything. I just haven’t found “the one”, yet.”

She presses her lips together. “Here, you need to try something.” Erica comes at my face and kisses me, then grabs my hand and puts it on her chest. I froze up, never really kissing a girl before. She guided me for like fifteen seconds, but I started feeling the same nausea from when I saw Benny kiss Danielle.

“Okay, okay, we can stop.”

She stopped. “You didn’t like that, right?”

“No, very weird.” I looked away from her. Erica is really pretty, and I felt wrong for not feeling like I just saw stars.

“You don’t like girls, Ethan.” I looked at the floor, knowing my face was burning a thousand degrees. I think Erica is right, because nothing about girls or about what she just did has ever made me feel anything at all. But admitting she was right would say something about me, and I don’t think I even knew what that would mean.


	5. 5.

I didn’t sleep well. Erica had a double-sized mattress, so I slept next to her instead of the tiny little couch on the other side of the room. Gratefully, as well, because I don’t want to even imagine how uncomfortable sleeping on it would feel. She didn’t move much in her sleep, and I knew that by being awake half the night. The purple lights became my only friends during the early morning hours. I wanted more than anything to keep Erica awake to let her hear every thought I was contemplating, but I don’t think the words would have left my mouth.

Girls. I had crushes in elementary school, in middle school, but not so much when I got to highschool. There was Katie in fourth grade, who was a gymnast and stepped on my shoe when I tried to hold her hand. There was Jessie in eighth grade who was the only girl I’ve ever kissed. Well, besides Erica, now. It was at the end of year school dance and lasted all of point-five seconds but it was the only thing Benny would ask me for two weeks. I found it irritating at the time; why did he keep asking me about what it was like? Benny had kissed a couple girls by that point, but hearing my every analysis on my first kiss was hot news for those two weeks. Really, I could have cared less, because after that Jessie and I broke up. I don’t think I would ever say this aloud, and definitely not in Jessie’s presence, but I stopped liking her immediately after.  
Boys. I never thought about them. I definitely thought about girls more than boys, because that’s what I was supposed to be doing. The cool guy gets all the girls, or the hottest girl in school. I had never been the cool guy, as one could easily guess. In my life, the coolest guy to me had always been Benny. He liked the same things I do, he liked other things that I thought were interesting, he’s more funny and quick-witted than I am. If I didn’t like girls, what does that mean for how I felt about Benny?

I lied there contemplating until my eyes force themselves shut. The struggle to get going in the morning proved to be harder than I imagined. Erica shook my arm and said,”Can you get ready in twenty minutes or are we going to be late?”

She was already dressed and standing over the bed. “Uh. Yeah. Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“You need the sleep. I’m making you a breakfast  
to-go, now get ready,” she said with a passive-aggressive smile.

I went to the bathroom, cleaned myself up, changed into new clothes, and did my best to style my dark, wavy, and defaultly messy hair. I gave up and just shoved the majority of it under my beanie. I returned to Erica‘s room and packed up my backpack for the day. I took a moment to sit down and open my phone. Still radio silence from my mom. A very angry text from Benny that included the phrase to not wait up for him. My heart sank.

Benny. What was I to do? 

Erica made breakfast burritos in the kitchen for the both of us. By the time I came out to join her, she’s wrapping them up and cleaning the kitchen. I help wash off the utensils and wipe down the counter for her. “You’re the only other person in this place who cleans,” she said sarcastically.

“I take it your mom isn’t around enough to contribute,” I stated tentatively.

“Yep, off sleeping at her fuck buddy’s place or something. If you keep coming around here, chances are you won’t see too much of her,” she said dryly.

“Noted. If I meet her, how should I act?

“Like yourself. She has no boundaries, unfortunately.”

She handed me my burrito then we departed, en route for school. 

“Ethan.” My name rang through the hallway. The bell for lunch just rang, Erica and I were due to eat together again in solitude. I turned around mid-step.

There he was, my best friend. Why had he called for me? This morning I was still disposable. I knew the annoyance could be seen on my face when I met his eyes, because he began with,”I know, listen-“

I rolled my eyes and turned to continue walking. “Ethan!” He pleaded, grabbing my arm and pulling me back.

“What, Benny? Did you come to shit on my week some more?” The meanness I displayed lately shocked me a bit; the feeling felt foreign, but for once, standing up for myself proved to be cathartic. 

“No, no. I just want to talk.” I let myself go limp and stay for whatever he wanted to say. “I know, I got caught up with Danielle. You needed me, I’m sorry. I don’t think she even likes me anyway. She tried to make me have sex with her last night. And, well, don’t like, tell anyone this, but I got so nervous I started crying for a second and she called me a freak and left. So like...you were right about her.” 

Involuntarily, I raised my eyebrows and just stared at him, dumbfounded. 

“Wow. That was...quite a sentence.”

I stood there for a moment, rubbing my arm. “Uh, yeah, I’m not sure what to say to that.” He stared at me, his face being the shade of a stop light. “I’m sorry she was mean to you.” I kind of just felt like puking again. The thought of Danielle trying to have sex with him was too much for me.

After last night's conversation with Erica, the realization this feeling might not be entirely normal made me feel even more anxious and sick. “Ethan, are you okay?”. I crouched down on the floor in a desperate attempt to recollect myself. 

“So, what does that mean then?” I asked. I didn’t even look up.

“I’m not gonna talk to her anymore.”

I nodded. 

“So can we sit together again?” he asked.

“Yeah, just let me text Erica.”

The three of us resumed seating at the lunch table inside the cafeteria. Sarah, however, was nowhere to be found. “She’s probably with Danielle, probably making fun of me,” Benny said, rolling his eyes.

“Can I tell Erica?”

He sighed. “If you must.”

“Danielle tried to make Benny have sex and made him cry then called him a freak.” 

Erica’s eyes went wide. “Damn, didn’t know she was a dirty bitch like that. Sorry she did that, Benny.”

“It’s whatever, I’m just not gonna talk to her anymore if she doesn’t care enough to not force me into stuff.”

“I know, but like, are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah. Just weird how she only wanted to have sex with me after I told her things with me and you were strained because of her,” he replied.

“God, I never liked her since Sarah started bringing her around,” Erica muttered.

I looked down at the table to avoid eye contact with him. Some part of me felt guilty for their demise. Maybe she wouldn’t have insisted on rushing him if I had just been cool with them. 

Benny insisted on walking me to my next class. “So, what do you want to do after school...to catch up?” he asked me as we meandered down the hallway.

“Well, there’s not much to catch up on. But, I don’t know? Movie? Park? Food?” I suggested.

“Food, then park, then movie?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” I said with a smile.

He left me at my classroom door, and I watched as he walked away with a longing in my chest. Things between us felt different, and I don’t know if it was just on my side. I ducked my head into the room and found my desk. The tightening in my chest would not ease itself and I couldn’t ignore it. How could I even catch Benny up on the new things in my life over the past two days, when one of the new things happened to be something I probably shouldn’t just outright say to him? Sorting what all my thoughts and feelings meant isn’t something I’m looking forward to doing. As I sit here, surrounded by my peers in a loud, agitated classroom with aging desks and an aging teacher, I can’t help but think about how no one knows what’s going on in my head, or the problems I’m facing. I know it's just the same for everyone else.

After school, Benny and I decide to walk into town to get food. We met up at our spot, which is basically the windows by the theatre room, then headed off campus. 

“So, your mom really hasn’t talked to you at all?” he asked.

“Yeah, literal radio silence. I tried calling, texting, but it’s no use.”

“And your dad hasn’t told you what happened?”

“Nope. I haven’t really even given him the opportunity to, honestly. Like, the first night he could have because I was home, but last night I slept over Erica’s to avoid that mess. I just hope Jane is doing okay,” I said.

“Oh, wow, you slept over Erica’s? Like, I knew you were there, but- you know.”

“Yeah. But it’s not like that. She’s gay, like I told you,” I said, prideful that I had bene right and he was wrong.

“Dang, no way. Well, that does explain...almost everything about her.”

“Yeah, like she’s pretty, but she’s basically a dude.”

The trees around us were all orange, red, and yellow dying masterpieces. They lined the sidewalk in an archway that I can only describe as an artistic feat. Landscapers probably were involved. The grey sky backdropped the image of the trees, and people in front of us walking made me feel less alone. 

Benny and I got sub-sandwiches at this local place we had gone to for as long as I could remember. To eat them, we made our way to the park and sat on top of the play set, and prayed no children would bother us. Luckily, there weren’t any in sight when we got there. “Are you upset about Danielle?”

The wind blew the side of my face and kissed it in all it’s icy glory. “Yeah. Kind of. Like it didn’t last that long, obviously, but it was just really weird.”

“Sarah told me she wasn’t the type to like, just fuck to… well, fuck. But I guess she was wrong. Or was lying,” I added in.

I took a bite of my sandwich. “Yeah, I don’t know. One minute she cared about my feelings, the next she was trying to get in my pants. Very confusing to know how to feel after she asked me why my dad left. Then like, sucks my dick. I do not know what she was trying to do there,” he said, laughing. I cringed, visually and obviously as well, which felt like I picked the wrong chat option in a video game.

“Yeah, total boner kill. Anyway, I’m not worried about her. Blocked her this morning.”

I put my sandwich down and looked off to the side. Everything about that made my appetite disappear like a ghost and I wished for my ears to repurify themselves. “Too much?”

“Uh, I’m just not used to hearing stories like that from you,” I said stiffly.

“Yeah, me neither. Words sound crazy coming out of my mouth.”

I wanted to scrunch up my nose and beg for this conversation to end. “How’s your grandma?” I asked desperately.

“She’s good. Bought me some herbs from this spiritual shop like forty-five minutes away. I’ll have to show you them.”

“Too bad you couldn’t use any of your spells to make Danielle a better person.”

He laughed. “No, love spells are tricky because they usually don’t end well.”

“Did you actually like her, like for real? Or was it too early to tell?” I asked.

“Too early to tell. Don’t even know her favorite color.”

“Damn, I bet it was something boring, like brown.”

Back at his house, we put on The Flash to watch. His living room was dimmed with only the hallway lights to aid the eyes. Sitting on the couch, I covered myself in a blanket. Only being gone for a couple days from Benny’s house shouldn’t have made such a difference, but the place felt like the way your own house feels after returning from a long trip. Mazie greeted me with excitement right at the door; it was nice to know at least someone noticed I had been gone. At some point, I would have to go home and experience the alienation all over again, but neither of my parental units had contacted me. I guess if no one called, there’s no reason to return. 

Mazie laid up next to me on the couch, and Benny on my other side. Silence had fallen between us, as Benny ate a family-sized bag of Doritos that I declined to share. Benny’s stomach certainly qualified as it’s own family when it came to portion sizing. 

“Ethan?” 

“Yeah?” I looked over at him. The dim light from the hall reflected from his cheekbone, and if I looked closely I could see the glimmer on his eyelashes.

“Don’t desert me like that again, please. It scares me. I know I was in the wrong, but it made me so scared that you avoided me.” The vulnerability in his eye contact made me feel the need to shift my eyes down at my lap.

“Sorry. I was just impulsive. I know why it scares you.”

Benny reached for my hand and took it in his with hesitation. Though I felt stiff as a rock, he slowly pulled me towards him and under his other arm. I rest against his side, without a thought in my head. I don’t think I could’ve relaxed my body if my life depended on it. 

Benny. Warm, amber-scented, relaxed Benny. Never had we been this close purposefully, but all his details sharpened over time anyway. The way he looked, felt, and moved were notes I mentally took in over time, and now I performed my open book test. Everything about him in this moment lived up to the way I subconsciously predicted he would feel, being this close to me. But as for myself, I couldn’t have predicted being a nervous, rock-like mess. The impenetrable freeze over my body controlled my whole reaction. I think if I moved, I would puke.

Fate had other plans for me, because after a long while of me being close with Benny, something caught my attention and demanded immediate action. Through the house, I could hear a car pull up next door, into my driveway, with an unmistakable sound of the engine I knew so well. A car door opens and shuts. All the lights in my house turn on almost simultaneously, as I see through the window. A shout could be heard from here. My mother had finally come home.


	6. 6.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, i’m getting my wisdom teeth out in the morning so it’s pretty likely i will not be updating for at least a couple days depending on how i’m healing. i have a pretty decent outline in my head but well, anyone who’s had dental surgery knows it’s not fun to recover and be pressured to do anything BUT recover. so, i will see what i can do:) but definitely something within the next week, i’m on a roll and i can’t let it die down lol anyways enjoy

I rushed out with my backpack on. “Sorry, this will probably be bad. I’ll text you,” I said to Benny at the door, meeting his eyes with a new intensity. He ran a finger down my forearm before I had to go.

The drive I had walking the short distance to my front door kept being interrupted by thoughts of Benny. My heart pumped so hard, like it was going to burst out of my chest. The adrenaline inside my body motivated me to open my front door and walk inside without hesitation. 

“Where have you been?” my dad asked.

“Benny’s. Would either of you like to um, I don’t know, explain anything around here?” I spat out. 

My mom looked off to the side, not even nothing to look at my dad for help. I shifted my eyes between them, one at a time. Silence was all I got.

“You guys are useless, honestly. Freaked me out and probably Jane, too. And you don’t even have the decency to tell us why.” I barreled up the stairs before they could get a word in. 

“Ethan!” my mom called after me.

I headed for Jane’s room. She was sitting on her floor, pillow on lap, iPad in hand. “Are you good?” I asked softly.

“Yeah. Where have you been?” she asked, looking up at me with her big, almost gentle eyes. A stabbing pain went through my chest when I looked at her. I shut the door quietly behind me. 

“With friends. Sorry I ditched you. Do you know what’s even going on?” 

“Nope. You don’t?”

I shook my head. I sat on the floor next to her. Being just as confused as her gave me the relief that being out of the loop wasn’t just a personal thing. 

“Ethan!” My mom yelled, closer this time. 

“What?” 

“You wanna know what your dad did?” she asked when she opened Jane’s door.

“Yeah, that’s why I asked.”

“He had an affair, with a twenty-two year old college student,” she said, waiting for a reaction. 

“Well, I guessed the cheating part. That’s gross, though,” I replied, unamused with her intensity. “So why’d you leave? You have two kids here who might have needed you, you know.”

Her face turned even more red, rage seemingly filled her body. “Because his mistress showed up to our house. Your family home, Ethan. That’s why I left.”

I stood up on impulse. “I don’t really care that she showed up here. Either leave him, or get over it, because I needed you, or dad, this week, and you weren’t there. You were off god knows where, doing god knows what,” I said to her. The words didn’t even sound or feel like my own. I was watching a character a lot like myself speak through my own eyes and my mouth, but it wasn’t me.

My mom went to slap me, but I pushed her arm back on reflex. I stared at her, confused. She stared back at me, conflicted. “What the fuck?” 

I shook my head and moved past her, out of Jane’s room and down the hall to mine. I slammed my door shut and locked it behind me. That’s never been something my mom tried before. She’s always been the kindest person I’ve ever known, besides Benny. Maybe my dad’s ways have been rubbing off on her. I stood there, in shock. The floor became blurry, and so did my thoughts. Why? What had I done to be so terrible? 

The muffled yelling between my mom and dad broke me out of my trance. I shoved a towel under my door frame, opened my window, and decided to smoke and forget what just happened. The smoke burned my throat but for once I liked that. I pulled out my phone, and told Benny and Erica what just happened. The cold air from the night sharpened my thoughts when I leaned out the window. Everything here was so isolating. 

The next morning I got up early, in a desperate attempt to avoid seeing my parents. I barged into Benny’s house, as quietly as one can barge, and made my way to his room where he was still sleeping. I looked at the clock on his nightstand, glowing green numbers reading 5:24 in the morning. Mazie laid at the end of his bed, unaware of my presence. I set my backpack on the floor and scooted myself next to Benny in his bed, yearning for an extra half hour of sleep. I know his alarm is set for six. 

“Ethan?” he mumbled, still almost completely asleep.

“Do you want me to move?” I asked. He shook his head and threw his arm over my side, pulling me in to join his sleep. 

My sleep felt like an extended blink by the time Benny’s alarm went off. I reached behind me and turned it off. The heat between us burned from being so close in his small bed. Benny laid, still asleep. I stared, in a way that probably looked creepy if someone had been watching. His eyelashes fluttered, and his dark hair stuck on his forehead. I think he was sensing that it was time to wake up. I looked away and shook his arm. 

“Wakey, wakey,” I said, sitting up and swinging my feet to rest on the floor. 

“Ugh, not that time already.” 

“Unfortunately, it is.”

He rubbed his eyes and then sat up to face me. “Oh, shit. That’s why you’re here so early. Are you okay?” 

“What, I can’t come to see my closest friend at five in the morning?” I laughed. 

He let out a tired laugh with me. “No, but seriously.”

I shrugged. “Kind of just… shocked. That’s not a side of my mom I’ve ever seen before and now I’m scared to be around her. Almost wish she had stayed gone.”

“Well, grandma won’t mind you staying here. But she will make you do chores.”

“Eh, I don’t know if I’m serious about leaving or something. I’ll let you know. But you should start getting ready. You take forever, you know?” I said, smiling. He smiled back and shoved me back from my shoulder, leaving me to finish getting ready by myself. 

Erica and I waited for Benny at our lunch table. No appearance from Sarah for another day, but I think this display of her character was needed. “So, the iconic duo is back to prospering?” Erica asked, eyebrows raised and saying a thousand words.

I rolled my eyes then smiled. “Yes, Erica. Benny and I are fine now.”

“Good. Now are you okay about your mom?”

“Yeah. She was blowing up my phone during first hour, though. Said she wants me to come home right after school so we can ‘talk’.”

“Is that code for using you as a punching bag?” she joked.

“Guess we’ll find out.”

“You’re actually gonna go home?” 

“Yeah. At least to see what she has to say. Don’t be surprised if I ask to see you,” I explain.

“Fair enough.”

“So, you and Benny?” she persists.

“What about me and Benny?” 

“Did you figure anything out?” 

I give a short sigh. “I don’t know, man. Like, well, you and I only had that… revelation, like two nights ago. I don’t even know how to sort that out, yet.” 

Erica picks at her school lunch, then I remember that this morning I packed not two, but three of the same lunches for Erica, Benny, and I. I reach into my bag and slide hers across the table. “Aw, for me?” 

“Yes. I know the pain of eating the food here too well to watch you do it.”

“How romantic,” she said monotonically.

“Shut up.”

“Two days is a long time to think, in my book. You don’t know how you feel at all?” She asked. 

I sighed again. “I feel like every time i’m with him I-“

“Hey guys!” Benny said. He sat down next to me, where his lunch was waiting. My face burned intensely.

“Hi! How’s your morning been?” Erica asked, then proceeding to eat her sandwich.

“Good. Long. My history teacher is having us do some stupid timeline of the founding fathers and refuses to talk about the witch trials with me instead.”

“Ooh, I remember that timeline. And who do you have? Mr. Dean? He hates women so that’s why he won’t talk about it,” Erica said.

“Yeah, that’s not surprising.”

Benny takes out his witchcraft journal and starts writing stuff down in it. Silence falls over the table, and I watch Erica in amusement because I know she hasn’t seen Benny do his witchy stuff yet. “That looks intense, Benny.”

I stifle my life, wanting to watch it play out. “Yeah! I’m trying to write down protection spells so I can practice them later. I got a bunch of those little jars and cleansing incense so I can finally start practicing some stuff.”

“Are you, like, a hippie?”

“No, I'm trying to practice witchcraft.”

Her eyebrows raise. “Oh, cool. I didn’t take you for a witchcraft guy.” 

“Well, technically I’m called a warlock because i’m a guy, but it doesn’t really matter, but it matters to me.”

“Right.” 

“When I learn tarot cards I could read them for you?” He asked her.

“Sure, but I don’t know what those are.”

“It’s like fortune telling. The cards that come out when you do a reading for someone give insight into their future.”

“Oh, interesting. Will they tell me if my dad will ever come back?” she joked.

He laughed with her. “Not exactly.”

“God, the way you look at him, Ethan!” Erica stresses when we are walking to the parking lot after school. 

“What do you mean?”

“When he was talking about his witchcraft shit, you looked like a fucking puppy.”

I look away, breaking my eye contact with her. “No I didn’t.”

“Whatever. You’re so annoying. Take some time and think for once. I know that’s hard for you,” she said.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

Only minutes later, Erica dropped Benny and I off. I knew what had to be done. I took a deep breath, and made the walk up my driveway and into my house. The old thing, the only place I had ever known so well. It was scary now, and my stomach didn’t use to turn like that when I came home, but things were different now and I had to face that fact. I couldn’t even think about Benny, because he couldn’t do a thing to fix it. Everything was between me, my mm, and my dad right now. I passed my moms parked car, turned the front door handle, and stepped inside, ready for all-out war, or anything more or less that came at me.


	7. 7.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wisdom teeth are mostly healed, feeling better. lmk any feedback :)

My mom sat on the couch, facing the T.V. that had a pitch-black screen. A cup of tea rests on her lap. I shut the front door behind me gently, hoping to not agitate her. “Hey,” I begin.

“Oh, you’re home.”

“I could say the same about you. What did you want to talk about?” I asked. I walked towards the couch, and she turned to face me. 

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have done that, I don’t know why that happened.”

“Oh, well. Thank you.” I stood there at a loss for words. “So? A college girl?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Yes. One of his old students. For six months. I can’t believe he’d do that to me, thinking he even looks good enough to get away with that.”

I stifle a laugh. “Yeah. That’s pretty gross. What did she do when she showed up?” I asked. The tenseness in my stomach ebbed and my breathing began to stabilize.

“Just wanted to talk to me, apologize or whatever. She said she had no idea. Which is probably true, since he’s a liar like that.”

“Yeah, I can see that. What are you gonna do?”

She paused. “I don’t know.” 

“That’s okay. You need time. It’s a lot.” My words echoed in the quiet of the house. My dad wasn’t home, yet, and I don’t think I would be ready to face him. A sorry excuse for a man, and a sorry excuse for a dad lately. 

Clearly the conversation was over, so I went up to my room. I cleaned it up, because this week’s events had made it almost inhabitable. Then I did homework, but the only thing that stayed consistently on my mind was Benny. Doing algebra while thinking about someone you might have feelings for proved to be much more of a difficult task than I thought. 

I thought about my mom. Would she leave my dad? Would she make him move out? What was it that made him want to cheat? An affair is a big commitment. I wonder if he ever thought about Jane and I when he was making those choices. Divorce is always messy and I’m not sure if my mom is the type of person who would forgive him for something that deep. My heart just sank thinking about how the man who taught me to ride a bike and play baseball was also the type of man who would disrespect my mom. I don’t know how I could even confront him about this. Would there even be a point in asking why? Any man with an ounce of honor would just have told my mom they wanted to break up. Maybe adult relationships weren’t that simple, but I thought with time honesty was supposed to be easier.

He came home about an hour into my homework marathon. The air in the house stayed stiff and silence continued besides their movements. My stomach flipped in anticipation for a blow up again. I texted Erica, filling her in on what my mom and I talked about. Benny never knew what it was like to have both parents together in the same house, so I feel like Erica would know better since her mom is coping with the desertion of her husband by acting the way she does. Or, I could go to Benny’s right now and not have to deal with any of this at all. Finally, the weekend came, but I felt more guilt for thinking about abandoning Jane again. Not like I’m much help to her, but at least I’d be here. Maybe Benny could come here, and it would deter their fighting, but I know since Benny has been a friend of mine too long that they wouldn’t even bother hiding it.

Voices begin erupting downstairs. I close my eyes, thinking it will help, but it doesn’t. The sun is still out, yet they have to make things so dark. I turn to put all my papers away in folders and put them in my bag. Throw in clothes and prepare for my escape. I can hear them, fighting about the way my dad blocks my moms car from backing out of the driveway. 

“It’s not lazy parking, I just don’t think about those things!” my dad said.

“You’re just trying to keep me trapped here,” my mom replied.

“Would it be so bad if I did?”

“Yes, it would! I can’t even trust you to be loyal, I should be able to come and go as I please.”

“I can just go move the car, Sam.”

I hear him pick up his keys and decide to make a break for it. He exits the house, and I follow suit. I cross the lawn over to Benny’s, and make eye contact with my dad from where he’s backing out the car. His gaze burns, so I break it and quickly walk up the steps to Benny’s front door. Inside, I feel relief. His grandma is in the living room, reading a book. Mazie greets me at my feet. “Hi, Evelyn. How are you?”

“I’m good, how are you, Ethan?” she asked, her voice concerned. Something tells me my family could be the talk of the town lately and that didn’t even occur to me until now.

“Oh, you know. Dad cheated on mom, mom skipped town this past week, came back and tried to fight me. The usual.” 

“Dear lord, they’re really that unhinged over there?” she asked.

“Yep. They don’t take breaks from it, apparently.”

“Well, I’m sorry. You know you’re always welcomed here.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it. I’m going to go find Benny.” I excuse myself up the stairs, Mazie trailing behind me. Her dark fur shines underneath the stair lights, and I can’t help but admire her cuteness. Benny adores her, even making pictures of her on his home screen on his phone. Mazie reciprocates his adoration in sleeping with him every night and joining him to sit in the bathroom during his showers. 

“Hello, again,” Benny greets.

“Is my presence bothering you?” I asked, jokingly.

“Not at all. You can light my incense, though. I’m about to charge my moon water,” he said, handing me a lighter. I took his incense and lit it with the other hand. He took the stick and let the smoke air out in a mason jar, then poured water from a cup into the jar. He moved to his window, opening it and setting the jar on the outside ledge. I gazed as he precisioned it in the way to make sure the jar didn’t fall onto the ground once he reopened the window. 

“Would you like a rose-quartz?” he asked me when he pulled his head back inside.

“Sure. You don’t need it?”

“Nah, I have extra. On sale.” He hands me a pale-pink stone. “Carry it with you at all times.”

I put it in my pants pocket. “My mom apologized and shit. Told me some details about the affair. Then my dad came home and they were arguing over parking.” He sticks the rest of the incense stick in its holder to burn.

“Are you okay, though? Like, do you think she’s gonna hurt you?” he asked, rearranging his witchcraft books on the shelf to look more orderly. 

“I mean, no. Kind of? Maybe? I think we had a very heated moment, but I'm just going to avoid their fights just in case.”

“Good idea. Are you sleeping over? I want to smoke and eat. Erica told me where to buy weed.”

“Yeah, if that’s fine with you.”

“Of course,” he said. “I’ll order us pizza. We have canned pink lemonade in the fridge.”

“Ah, yes. Your grandma is still stockpiling that?” I tease.

“You know her, can never have enough.”

We move to the backyard, and I pull a pack of new cigarettes out of my jacket pocket and light one. I offer Benny one, and he sparks it and let’s it stick in his mouth as he begins to grind up weed. “Did you get that from Erica?” I ask.

“Yeah, how’d you know?” 

“She had like three in her room when I was over.”

I continue to smoke and watch him. We sat across from each other, on a beach towel in the grass. The sky above us is past sunset, twilight casting a dark glow. Benny works feverishly, trying his best to do it right. As a new-smoker, I admire his quick learning. His blue pipe, almost brand new, sits between us on the towel. He packs the bowl with his lighter after he’s done grinding up the weed. I watch the way his hands move, and the way his face focuses. The aching in my chest reappears; unignorable and unmistakable. I bite down on the filter and look off towards his back fence, lined with the vines of his grandma’s garden. 

Even when I’m with him, Benny is all I can think about. The green eyes that match the crystals that sit on his desk, the dark hair that he meticulously perfects every morning. The excitement over his hobbies, the glow from his face like radiation, the goofy smile that rarely leaves. The crooked teeth and the picked-at nails. And there is me; his best friend. The disappointment of knowing in my heart he doesn’t think about me like I think about him weighs on my chest heavier than any happiness. In my throat, the words I’m thinking beg to be let out and said aloud to his face. The consideration of that happening would only bring me more hurt. 

When I look back, he’s packing the bowl with his lighter. He is blissfully unaware, and he is peacefully oblivious, while I sit with the pain of knowing too much, and feeling too much. To him, this moment is just the two of us getting high together, but as I inhale from the pipe, I know this is the moment I realize I’m in love with him. 

After we get high, we lay back on the beach towel and look up at the sky. Benny plays some music from his phone, and I recognize it as it being Coldplay’s Ghost Stories album. Admittedly, I already knew this was one of Benny’s favorite albums. Our Spotify’s are on a family plan. “Do you like Erica? I know shes gay, but you guys are hanging out a lot,” Benny asked.

I think back to the other night, and how I borderline vomited from kissing Erica. “No, not at all,” I laughed.

“What does that mean? he said, giggling.

“It’s just funny. She’s so not into guys. And it’s really not like that between us.”

“Still sorry I ditched you for Danielle.”

“I understand a woman’s affection is undeniable,” I joked. Knowing it was deniable for me, but the ability to care about the technicality of things went away with the high. I grew cold the longer we stayed outside, but I didn’t want to change anything about the way things were.

“Do you think you’ll ever get a girlfriend? Like, a real one?”

I sighed. “Real tired of everyone asking me that question.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don't know. I just don’t know if that’s going to happen, at least, this school year,” I stammered. “Do you think you’ll get one?”

Benny sighed as well. “Maybe. Kind of still recovering from being objectified.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” I thought weed was killing my ability to care, but the dread overcoming my body was intensified by ten. Benny didn’t think about boys, and Benny certainly didn’t think about me. If I was sober, I’d be crying right now, but the tears never came. I took out another cigarette to light.

“I just think the way people expect us to have girlfriends is really annoying,” Benny continued. I about choke on smoke.

“I agree, like...maybe I don’t even want one.” The words slip out before I can catch them, and I don’t dare move to look at him.

“Yeah. Not all that great, let me tell you. Danielle needed a lot of attention very fast. Couldn’t even take a shit without texting her back, I swear.” I laughed in response.

“That’s got to suck.”

“It’s cold. Let's go inside.”

The rest of the night goes by in flashes. We stand in his kitchen after making hot tea. I rest my elbows on the counter with the mug between my hands, and he sits at the bar stool adjacent to me. He picks at his nails, and I watch him quietly. It’s hard for me to look at his face after coming to terms with how I feel. Looking at his fingers will have to do. I text Erica that I came to terms with how I feel. She wants me to come over in the morning. I tell her I will, bright and early. By bright and early, I certainly mean the opposite. Benny and I play Fall Out on his Xbox. The pizza we were supposed to order ages ago, was ordered much later than intended, but enjoyed nonetheless. 

When it got late, my stomach began flipping. Most nights Benny pulls out the air mattress for me or we sleep on his couches down stairs, but after the morning I didn’t know where I should sleep. I feel like it’s some unspoken masculinity rule to not sleep in the same bed as your friend, and once Benny figures out how I feel about him I don’t want him to think I’m a creep. 

Benny shuffled around his bathroom after I had used it. I’m sitting on the edge of his bed, on my phone, trying to look distracted when he comes back to sleep. I contemplated just getting out the air mattress. I stand up and pull it out of the nightstand drawer it sits in and set it in front of my feet when I sit back down. He comes back, heavy eyed, and immediately shuts the lights off. 

“Don’t worry about it.” He crawls into bed and pulls me by the arm down with him.


	8. 8.

The next morning, I woke up for a second day in a row with Benny lying next to me in his bed. His back was turned to me, and I was lying on my back. Quietly, I reached for my phone. Nine-thirty seven in the morning. I checked for if Erica was awake yet by texting her. She said to come on over as soon as I could. 

I parted with Benny’s bed and got ready in the bathroom. I packed up any of my things that I left outside of my bag, then strapped it onto my shoulders. I planned on just texting Benny I left for Erica’s, but he stirred when I was about to leave. 

“So sad to see you go,” he mumbled, turning my way. 

“I’m just going to see Erica,” I said, stopping to look at him.

“Come back?”

“Later?”

“Okay.”

I left the room smiling uncontrollably. If anyone could see me, I know my face would be the shade of a rose. I zipped up my jacket outside to protect from the ever-growing cold weather. My cheeks were now going to be red from the air, and I’d have an excuse for blushing so hard. I began my walk to Erica’s, placing my earbuds in my ears and putting on some lovesick music. I passed my house. All the cars were home, so I guess no one decided to run off again. They never seem to worry about me not being home anymore. Before all this fighting, I’d at least have to check in. I guess that’s not what they care about anymore.

The path to Erica’s is lined with dying trees by the sidewalk, and overgrown bushes, to the west of both Benny and l’s houses. The grey overcast in the sky couldn’t put a damper on my mood; even without reciprocation, the fact I had Benny’s attention at all made me the happiest man alive. The entire walk to Erica’s, the orange on the leaves seemed brighter, the dying grass felt richer, and the sky felt more romantic. Truly, I’m on top of the world, and I’m not going to let the feeling fade for as long as possible.

I entered Erica’s apartment code from where I saved it in my notes app. I walked through the parking lot and to the second floor of the third building. Cars drove by me but not much happened outside. I knocked on the door I remembered as Erica’s. She opened it, dressed in grey sweatpants and a dark red sweater. “Greetings, casanova.” 

“Good morning, fellow gay.” 

She laughed and let me inside. “Do you want coffee?” she asked as I sat down at the barstools in her kitchen. 

“Yes, please.” As excited as I am, being tired began to be my first nature.

She pours me a cup of coffee then slides it towards me. “So… details? Tell me everything.” 

“Okay, well. We were smoking in his backyard together, and well- I was just, I was just looking at him. And I couldn’t stop thinking about things about him. Like, all the super gross, romance things you think about a person.”

“Right, yes.”

“And I just had like, a moment of vulnerability with my own thoughts, and I realized it.”

“Yes, so what do we think that Benny thinks?” she asked.

“I’m not sure. He always gives me crystals sometimes. Like, he gave me a rose quartz-,” I pulled it from my pants pocket and set it on the counter. “And, he’s been having me sleep in bed with him lately, which is something we never really did before on purpose. I think it’s happened like once. And he asked me to come back later today. And he’s sad to see me go.” All my sentences became word scramble. “Like, last night, he pulled me into bed with him. Like, literally pulled me and then spooned me half the night.”

“Big spoon or little spoon?”

“Big. What does that even mean? I can’t even think around him.”

“God, you’re so lovesick,” she laughs. “You know rose quartz means ‘unconditional love’ when you give it to someone?”. 

“Really?”

“Yep. Says it right here,” she shows me on her phone. “And Benny knows that, too.”

I bite my nail for a moment. “You think that’s on purpose?”

“If he’s having you sleep next to him and giving you rose quartz all in the same day, that’s probably not a coincidence.”

“I just don’t think he likes boys.”

“You didn’t think you did a week ago.”

“Good point, but I think it’s more about liking Benny.”

“It’s probably the same for him, too.” She sips on her coffee. I bite some more. 

“Okay, well we can unpack all…of that, later. How’s your morning been?” I ask.

“Fine. Cleaned a bit. I work tonight. Mom actually slept here last night so she made me breakfast. I’m probably gonna pick up an eighth before work, too.” 

“Oh, cool. Where’s she now?” I asked. 

“Work. She does lunch shifts on weekends.”

“What do you wanna do until then?” I asked. 

“I dunno, usually I’d be with Sarah or something but I think she’s abandoned me,” Erica said, rolling her eyes.

“Uh, yeah, looks like it. You haven’t even talked to her?”

“No, not really. She still watches my snap story but that’s it. Probably just to make fun of me, though.”

I shake my head. “Sarah didn’t seem like that, at first. Like, I don’t know...she just seemed cooler than that. Like, taking Danielle’s ‘side’ and all.”

“Less pretentious?” Erica said.

“Yes. More caring.”

“Well, I thought so. Believed it for awhile, too.”

“Yeah, sorry.” I felt bad for coming into Erica’s life, almost. Benny and I’s presence has seemed to change everything and possibility for more harm than good.

“It’s alright, I would’ve known eventually. She was kind of stuck up about things, like my home life and stuff. Never really understood what it was like,” Erica stated.

“Like, with your parents?”

“Yeah. She probably thinks she’s better than me because she has both parents and her mom is there and stuff. Never sleeping around with strange men or saying inappropriate things. Like, Sarah would ignore it most of the time, but the faces she made or the passing comments just always seemed so far away from understanding that this is my life.”

“Yeah, it’s not like you can change your mom. Especially if she doesn’t want to change. Not like you could leave either,” I said, offering some empathy.

“She probably just liked me for the weed. Too bad she won’t be able to get it without me, anymore.” Her smug smile said that she was going to be the one with the last laugh. 

“Really? She never got it herself?” I asked, shocked.

“No. She’d pay for it, but I always had to go get it. Something about being scared of drug dealers.”

“Right, because drug-do-ers are somehow very different,” I laughed.

“Apparently so,” she said, reeking with sarcasm. 

I played with Benny’s crystal between my hands. It was warm and sharp at the angles. Unconditional love. Does he love me unconditionally as a friend? Is it code for: “Even though you like me, i won’t make our friendship weird”? Asking would be so easy if the words would just come out. Even thinking about asking Benny such a thing could drive me to heave over the toilet. That could be my party trick, honestly. 

Later, I watched Erica do her makeup. She sat on her floor in front of the mirror, while I sat on her bed and leaned against the wall. “You know, you could ask Benny to homecoming.”

“When is that?”. I honestly hadn’t heard anything about it.

“Next weekend. Sarah wanted us to get fucked up for it but I’d rather do it with you guys. And, it could be like, a date, for you two.”

I pressed my lips together. “I’m not sure if asking him would be a good idea.”

“If he takes it badly, you could back track and just say you asked as friends,” she said.

“I guess that could work as a back up. I don’t know, Neither of us even know how to dance. What do people even do at dances?” I asked. I didn’t go to any last year.

“Uh, bump and grind and drink in the parking lot and then drink at after parties. Basically.”

“Incredibly romantic.”

“Or people go out to eat after. Like at iHop.”

“Could Denny’s work?”

“Yes. They have better hash browns.”

“Agreed.” I sat and thought for a moment. I guess that could be a genuine plan, if I worked up the courage to execute it. The idea of going to a dance, or dancing at all, did not sit well with me, though. Making a fool of myself in front of the person I like and my one and only other friend didn’t sound like fun, but this seemed to be my best plan of action. Suffering in silence for the rest of time, feelings unconfessed and unreciprocated seemed like a better way to live, but not a realistic one when every time I see Benny it feels like I’m going to have a heart attack.

“I don’t know, I’ll think about it. I’m not sure Benny would even enjoy that.”

Later, Erica drove me home so she could go pick up her eighth before she worked that night. We parted ways from her car, and I returned to my house, quiet and stiff in the air. I changed once I got to my room and wondered how I’d even gain the courage to ask Benny anything like that. Or tell Benny anything I felt. Everything was a new and fresh experience, and until now I never knew feeling something adjacent to love would be this complicated, or this painful.

With the reminder of seeing Benny again later looming over my head, I sat at my desk and contemplated the possibilities. I wondered if this would be just a phase, or something I could get over. Would I ever be able to look at Benny again without the longing in my chest? Was I doomed for an eternity of unreciprocated love? Would I have to move away from my first love like Erica? And would I remain bitter forever? One day, if I never said anything, or if I did and we pretended I never did, I’d probably have to watch Benny get a girlfriend someday, a real one who he would take on dates and buy flowers for. Eventually, there would be a girl he would be gifting crystals to instead of gifting them to me. The thought made my stomach flip and my body fill with anger and dread. Knowing I’ll need to address the elephant in the room eventually filled me with an unmanageable amount of anxiety, and the knowledge that there was no way to avoid it for the sake of my sanity was enough to make me puke. 

The rose quartz sat itself on my desk, reflecting the sunlight coming in through the window. In the silence of my room, I stared at it, and it stared back at me. Unconditional love, even if I happened to be in love with him. Could that be true? Every detail, and every crevice of the crystal only brought me another unanswerable question. The only answers I would receive would be from the mouth of the giver. Unfortunately, objects don’t talk. Objects mean a million things and can say a billion more, but they were all riddles and nuances. 

The severity at which I’ve picked at my nails irritated me. They looked ugly, and I feel like that’s an objective that’d describe me too accurately. Not a lot of time to try lately, I guess. I continued contemplating in the bathroom, trying my best to adjust my nails. Times like these are when I wished I had a nicer, more empathetic sister to help me, but I guess help from an eleven year old wouldn’t be the most reliable either. 

I texted Benny to come over whenever he wanted. It was about mid-afternoon, and I grew tired of being alone and in my head. Sure, Benny was the reason why, but when I’m with him, it’s almost like all the stressful thoughts seize to exist. I knew I had to ask him, tonight, though. If I didn’t do it today, I would do it never. Getting rejected in the comfort of my own home was the best I could manage when it came to a confidence boost. 

I heard my front door open. Benny came upstairs, greeted me, and we immediately sunk into playing on my Xbox in my room. All the longing of this morning seemed like it never existed. Everything felt normal, almost too normal. My stomach turned into tighter knots as the minutes passed by, and I knew if I didn’t just get it over with, I would be a mess forever, so immediately after we finish the game, I speak up.

“Hey, I have a question.”

“Yeah?” 

“Do you want to go to homecoming together? It’s next weekend.” The adrenaline overran my body, and I think I was on the verge of seeing stars. As soon as the words left my mouth, though, the pain in my stomach subsided, and the relief arrived. 

“Oh my god, yes of course! Fuck, now I need to figure out what to wear. Where’s your laptop?” he exclaimed, getting up from his seat and searching around for my laptop. I swear, he is the most oblivious guy in the world. Even so, I couldn’t help the burning in my cheeks and hiding my smile behind my hands. 

“Do you think H&M would be a good site to look on?” he asked, fingers already typing. 

Agreeing, I knew this was too vague. I needed to be straight forward, but that was a problem for another day. As for now, I just helped Benny pick out an outfit, and agreed when he begged to pick one out for me as well. How could he not get it? I basically put my heart on a platter. Falling in love with a dumbass with zero social literacy was a fate I dreaded being in for, as I started drafting my confession in my head. Benny, however, seemed to be the happiest guy in the room. Ignorance makes it easier, I suppose.


	9. 9.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy holidays. i’ve already started on the chapter after this, so hopefully i can give another update sooner :) enjoy and lmk any feedback

Every day was a count down leading up to homecoming, that next Saturday. I told Erica the second Benny left me by myself for a minute that night, but since she was working, any advice or response was delayed. Not having any type of experience in the romance department proved to be a bigger inconvenience than I once imagined. Benny ended up picking out coordinating blue shirts and black pants for us to wear, and we were supposed to get them at the store this week. 

First hour of Monday morning school. I had no friends in this class, as Erica was too old and Benny was down the hall. I went to my desk and the lesson began for the day. As I listened to the lecture and copied down the notes, I doodled a “B” with hearts around it on my notebook page. Coloring it in, I thought about how nice it looked in my handwriting. Benny’s name written by me, Ethan, felt special and personal. He made me feel special and personal. When he traced patterns on my hand, I felt for the first time in a long time, that I meant something to someone. When he grabbed my waist and leaned his head on my shoulder, I felt grounded to Earth in the chaos, but at the same time he put my head in the clouds. The fluorescent lights of the class were harsh, like the reminder in my head that if Benny didn’t feel the same as me, I was in for a world of hurt.

The times Benny and I have sat together in classes and been our own comedy club play in my head as I sit alone. We have our second hour together this year. The anticipation overcomes me; seeing his face and hearing his laugh feels more like a need these days. In seventh grade, and eighth, Benny and I had math class together, which I was better at than him, and I’d also let him copy off of me. He always did better at the more creative things, like English and Art class, where I struggled. Math and Science class were where I excelled, and Benny found them more difficult. I think that says everything about him. 

Second hour. Benny and I sat next to each other at our science table. Upon arrival, he greeted me enthusiastically.

“Ethan!” he exclaimed, hugging me with one arm and carrying his notebooks in the other. I felt the distinct difference in our heights as I got shoved into his shoulder. 

“How was first hour?” I asked, softly hugging back, then turning to sit.

“Boring. Ms. Hall just ended up telling us about her divorce again.”

“Sounds like what my dads gonna be doing to his students soon,” I joked. 

“Damn, you probably right, though.”

The teacher jokes between us were endless when it came to my dad. 

Under the table, for the whole hour Benny kept part of his leg pressed to mine. I tried to keep focus, write down my notes, pay attention to a video, do my worksheet, but the burning of the connection always made its way back into the forefront of my mind. My mind told me this was all purposeful. If I think about it, Benny had never made so much physical contact with me before this past week's events. All I wanted right now was to take Benny outside class, confess my love unapologetically in the hallway, and ask him to be mine. The only thing I could actually manage was not pulling away at physical contact.

Benny was drawing in his notebook. Two stick figures, one tall, one short. Above them, he wrote “E+B”. I pulled the notebook gently from him towards me to look at it. “Very cute,” I said, smiling softly. I met his eyes, and he was smiling back. The eye contact said a thousand words between us, and burned like the sun looking right through me. I looked back down, not being able to bear the green color anymore.

The classroom’s temperature aligned itself with ice, but thinking about Benny drawing us together kept me warm. The burning in my face after turning away overwhelmed me. More than anything, I just wondered what he wants from me. Even though he sits next to me, perched in our lifted lab chairs, he still owned my every thought. Everything came back to him. He drew some more, innocently and oblivious to my own turmoil. As the minutes on the digital clock clicked away, our time together was coming to an end until lunch. Benny was drawing flowers now, and I just slow-blinked in response to the amusement of my thoughts.

“He’s drawing pictures of you two together now, huh?” Erica repeated, eyes full of judgement. 

“Yeah. He’s fucking with my head, or something.” We sat down at our lunch table, anticipating Benny from the furthest building across campus. The gym was inconveniently far from eating. Erica wore a big black sweatshirt today, with red heart designs across the front. She had her hair in a beanie and low-ponytail again. Tight jeans and boots complimented her outfit, and and extra jacket sits beside her. I think she was stoned, just based on the look in her eyes.

“He’s definitely fucking with you.”

“But why? Doesn’t he get that it hurts?”

“Do you want me to talk to him?”

I mull over that for a moment. “I don’t know. You’re not, really, well, subtle.”

“I can be subtle,”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“Just let me know. Sarah texted me this morning.”

I raised my eyebrows. “No way. Saying what?”

“That she wants to ‘talk’. Whatever that means. If she wants me to understand why she took the borderline sexual-assaulter’s side, I think I’m good,” Erica says.

“When are you talking to her?”

“After school. I’m not driving her anywhere, or anything. Just gonna talk in the parking lot before I go home. But you and Benny should have some...alone time,” she whispers. I can sense his approach. 

“Hey, guys.”

“Hi,” Erica begins. “Sarah said she wants to talk to me today.”

“Oh, really? Are you gonna?”

“I guess.” Benny sits beside me and the knots in my stomach begin again. 

“Oh, well tell me what she says. I’m sure it will be something about me being a loser and a pussy towards Danielle.”

“If it is, I’ll put her in her place. She probably just wants to plead and beg me for a weed plug.”

“Probably right,” Benny replies. 

“You guys wanna smoke later?” Erica asked. 

“Sure. Where?” I asked.

“Benny’s? I have today off.” 

We agreed upon going over at five later today. The rest of lunch was pretty mundane, with talk of which students were banging in the theatre room and which teachers were cheating on their spouses with each other. I realized that everyone’s life is probably just as complex and dramatic as my own in their own way. Knowing that two people in my Spanish class had sex at school was almost too much for my brain to handle, but I’m sure rumors about myself and Benny were already around, or rumors about my parents and which one banged which college student. My brain always had a way of dragging these things on; overanalyzing the events of other people’s existence. I guess it was better than contemplating my own existence for every waking second of the day.

Later, after a homework session, a cleaning of the rose quartz, and a hefty laundry load, I was ready to go over Benny’s to see my only two friends. In my mirror, I fussed over my appearance. Before I realized my feelings for Benny, I don’t remember feeling so insecure around him. But now, I was picking apart the way my hair fell in my beanie and the way my sweatshirts hung on my body. My pants felt too baggy and overall, I felt lame. I like the way I look, in the sense that I felt comfortable and unseen, but being seen and noticed by another became too much of an importance. 

Giving up, I just left my appearance alone and walked downstairs to leave. Quiet and undisturbed, my house was. My parents just never sat in the same room anymore, and my dad has graduated to sleeping on the couch like a true cheater. Jane never seems bothered. 

The air was biting for my brief walk over. Erica’s car was already parked in the driveway, so I let myself inside Benny’s house and found them in the living room. “Hi.” 

Mazie rested herself on Erica’s lap. The first time they met, I think Mazie was a lot more scared and cautious. She doesn’t really meet new humans, so I like to think she wasn’t aware any other ones existed. That just makes meeting and loving Erica all the more special. “Aw, she looks so happy with you,” I say. 

“Right. She sheds a lot, though.”

“Yeah, that’s why Benny is always lint rolling dog hair off of him in the mornings.”

Erica laughs briefly. I sit next to her on the couch and Benny has barely looked up from his phone. He’s still dressed in the same pastel blue sweater he wore to school today, that I helped pick out this morning, and the same blue jeans and clean white shoes. I wonder what Erica said that could make him ignore me. 

Erica’s energy seems normal, but the tenseness from Benny could be felt across the room. Subconsciously, I was grinding my teeth together and didn’t realize until many moments later. “Are you okay?” I spat out at him.

“Uh, yeah. Kind of…” he trails off. 

“Oh, what do you mean?”. My stomach was in my throat in an instant.

“My dad texted me on Facebook like, right before Erica got here.” I raised my eyebrows, surprised yet relieved.

“Oh wow. What does he want?”

He leans forward from the chair and shows me his phone. His dad said that he wanted to make things right and see him. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a single thing about his dad other than that he left and never came back. 

“Damn.”

“Yeah. I’ve just been staring at it this whole time. Like what do I even say to that?” he asks, rhetorically. 

He puts his forehead in his hands. “Um, well, do you think he deserves a chance?” I ask.

“No idea. Probably going to talk to my grandma about it. I’ll be back.” He stands up and heads upstairs to where his grandma is.

“Some timing we have, huh?” Erica laughs.

“Yeah, just our luck. Got any words of wisdom for him? Since you two are in the dad-less club.”

She rolls her eyes. “Well why did his dad leave, anyway?”

“I think he had a partying problem. Lots of other women that weren’t his mom.”

“And his mom isn’t here because…”

“Also a drug problem.”

“Right. I think the three of us repel parents in a special way.” I snort-laugh. 

“Yeah. You got a point.”

“I don’t know, Benny should just do whatever he feels is right. My dad left because he doesn’t love my mom and me, not because he loved drugs,” Erica said, more softly than her usual edge. 

“Sorry.”

“Not your fault. He was annoying, anyway.” Her edge was back.

Benny came back a couple moments later. “Okay. I told him we could call later tonight or something. But we should go smoke, I’m not doing anything like that sober.” 

Following him to the backyard, Erica took out joint wraps and got to work at the porch table. Outside, Benny had blankets for us to protect from the cold. He keeps them out for the stray cats, usually. Benny hands Erica one and then puts one over the two of us. My breath became more shallow, and the sweating began. If only he knew how much he was fucking with me. Benny kicked off his shoes and then sat cross-legged on the porch swing. Erica glanced up at me, briefly making eye contact, then continued her work on the rolling tray. 

She rolled two joints for us and we sparked them, accompanied by more of her folk music.

“Who’s singing this?” Benny asks.

“Bon Iver. Do you like it?”

“Yeah. I knew it sounded familiar.”

Talking about music wasn’t my thing, really. I didn’t like anything interesting or worth sharing with others. Benny would always comment about my Spotify playlists being basic, but I just needed background noise more than I needed anything else. Yeah, maybe lately I’ve been playing love songs, but I was just hoping Benny’s been too busy to notice that change.

“You should listen to Dandelion Hands. They’re probably something up your alley.”

Benny types the name into his phone notes. “You got it.”

The air felt heavier and everything became sharper, and this is the point where I knew I was high. My body relaxed, a miracle for being this close to Benny. 

“Ethan, can you go inside and find my jacket?” Erica asked. 

“Yeah, sure.” I get up and walk back into the house, through the kitchen and into the living room. I look on the couch, the chair, and the floor, but I don't see anything other than the dog. I glance through the kitchen for a moment, too, just in case, but no jacket is anywhere to be seen. I stop for water bottles in the kitchen, and grab three to bring out for us.

Stepping back outside, I said,” Hey, I didn’t see it anywhere.”

“Oh, it’s in my car then.” I hand her the water bottle. 

Erica left a couple hours later, leaving Benny and I in his bed somehow. We were lying horizontal, my legs dangling off the side of his bed, but his feet planted on the floor because he has more height to him than me. The lights were off, and the only illumination came from outside and the twilight. Between us lay our hands. He was tracing the palm of my hand with his index finger. I dared not to look, dared not to break the energy or the silence, but he was braver than I.

“Why do you let me do this?”

I stayed silent for a beat, choosing my next words carefully. “What do you mean?”

“You know, this. Touching you. Seems kind of weird.”

“You’re the one doing it,” I huffed, then yanked my hand back and laid it on my chest. 

“I didn’t mean weird. I just meant, like, different.” 

My mood became anger-filled, with all loving feelings leaving my body. “So if you don’t like it, don’t fucking do it and don’t fucking call me weird,” I snapped. In a rage, I stood up, picked up my bag, and stormed out of his room, headed towards the stairs.

“Ethan- WAIT!” Benny called out, trailing behind me.

“Dude, just fuck off.” 

I reached his front door then slammed it behind me as hard as I could. The embarrassment and defense overtook my body. The last thing I wanted was for Benny to think I was weird, and that’s why I never initiated anything first. Overwhelmed, I threw up in one of the flower beds in his front yard. Sorry, Evelyn.

When I was done, I returned home. Benny didn’t follow me past his front door. For that, I was grateful, because I started crying halfway through throwing up, and I don’t think I’ve ever looked more pathetic in my life. I got to my room unnoticed, and wiped my eyes. Weird. Benny thought I was weird for accepting his weird and confusing affection. Now what was I supposed to do? Show my face around him? I can’t do that now. 

I threw my stuff on the floor and crawled under my blankets. At this point, I knew he Benny had just been messing with my feelings. My feelings were stupid and the situation was hopeless. Now, I’ll just be known as the weird gay kid who tried to pass one over on Benny and he’s going to make sure the whole world knows about it. I took the rose quartz out of my pocket and threw it across the room, not bothering to look where it landed, just feeling anger release in the loud noise it made against the wall, then the floor. Of course Benny just had to use his stupid witchcraft to fuck with me. Of course he did it to give me hope. 

Leaving the house ever again seemed impossible. Leaving my bed ever again seemed impossible. Seeing Benny ever again was unfathomable. As I drifted off, I just hoped when I woke up again, this would have been all a bad dream.


	10. 10.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone wants to follow my tumblr is @menacine. if anyone is interesting in following any of my other social media, lmk :) and once again, I'm always open for feedback

10.  
Morning came and none of last night had been an unfortunate nightmare. Much to my dismay, it was an unfortunate reality. The first thing I did was text Benny that I wasn’t going to school today, and then put my phone on airplane mode. It was too warm and comforting under my blankets, and the weight of existing was too much to fight today. Staying at home, and in bed, was going to be my treat to myself. After all, I deserved it.

Looking at his name on my phone triggered my nausea again. I managed to calm myself down. I felt so defeated that not even Erica could offer comforting words to help me. No one could help me. The person I’m in love with thinks I’m weird, and I can’t bear the thought of saying that aloud. 

After begging my parents to stay home, I moved from my bed to the living room. Pity was large enough of a motivator for them to let it go this once. They were off to work, taking Jane to school, and done arguing with me in under ten minutes. I decided camping out on the couch was the ideal position for today. 

I rotated from lying on my left side on the couch, to lying on my right side. I let the Big Bang Theory play on cable all morning. I couldn’t even bother to make breakfast, but I had a water bottle on the floor, ice cold and barely drank from. The aching in my chest came and went; every so often my body decided I needed a reminder of the pain. 

I took my phone off airplane mode around ten in the morning. Both Erica and Benny had texted me. 

Benny: why not?  
Benny: are you okay  
Benny: was it what happened last night 

I just responded by saying I didn’t feel good.

Erica: benny told me what happened after i left . i have stuff to tell you. when i sent you in the house to get my jacket i asked him something 

Me: what did you ask 

I waited for her reply. Regret isn’t even accurate enough for the feeling I got after turning my phone’s data back on. Ignorance is so easy sometimes. I just stayed in the same spot until she texted back.

Erica: well i asked benny what was with you guys being so touchy and i think that’s what made him ask you. he said something about things being different between you two now 

Me: oh well yes obviously. and that makes sense 

Erica: sorry i made him ask that. are y’all going to make up

Me: i’m too upset to do anything 

Erica: how come

Me: because he called me weird

Erica: he said it was weird the way you two were acting 

Me: he meant that i’m weird 

Erica: not even. you know that. he talked to his dad after you left too. you should ask him about that 

Me: yeah probably will

I sighed audibly. I opened Benny’s chat.

Me: how was talking to your dad

Benny: difficult, he did a lot of apologizing about the past and how he was never there. he said he wants to get to know me and shit like that. 

Me: are you going to let him

Benny: he’s in town and he’s taking me to buy our homecoming outfits after school today

Me: we’re still going to that?

Benny: why wouldn’t we?

I left the chat then texted Erica something that completely slipped my mind yesterday.

Me, to Erica: how was your talk with Sarah?

Erica: good actually. she said she didn’t know the actual context of what happened between danielle and benny. dani said that benny was clingy or something and i had to tell her the truth. we are going to homecoming with y’all, as friends

Me: do i really still have to go to that?  
Me: that’s good, though. i knew she was better than that

Erica: yes. you do

I went to text Benny back.

Me, to Benny: I didn’t think you’d want to. since i’m weird 

Benny: you know i didn’t mean it like that 

I gave up and put airplane mode on again. I’ve had enough. Drifting off into a nap, the promise of this being a nightmare echoed in the back of my head once again. 

I woke up to Erica’s face. “I let myself in, hope you don’t mind. People don’t lock their doors around here.” 

I rubbed my eyes, thinking I was dreaming. She sat on the couch by my feet. 

“What time is it?” 

“Two-thirty. I just got off school. Benny’s dad picked him up. Why aren’t you answering your phone?” she asked.

“Well, I was asleep, if you didn’t just see that.”

“Oh, yeah, true.”

“Not to be rude, but what do you want? I feel like shit, right now, Erica.” I closed my eyes and pulled a pillow to add pressure on the side of my head.

“You’re upset about Benny and you need to like, stop. I know you’re hurt he called you weird, but he likes you, dumbass.”

“No he doesn’t,” I said, muffled.

“Yes, he does. Text him. Make up. He was so upset all day today.” The conversation Benny and I had about me not abandoning him because it scares him fought it’s way into the forefront of my thoughts. I put the pillow down, defeated by Erica being right. 

Erica reaches over and started to coax me into sitting up. She pulls me by my arm and I reluctantly push myself up with my other one. I plant my feet on the floor. “You’re really broken up about him,” she states, softly. I nod, just barely.

“I don’t know why it feels so painful.” 

“Well you got a lot going on, right now. And you love him. If anyone gets the pain of not being loved back, believe me, I do. I just don’t think that’s the case with Benny, though.”

She places her hand on my back. I lean into her. 

“You’re a great friend, Erica.”

“I know. But you’re not so bad yourself.”

“I hope I’m good to you.”

“You are, don’t worry. But you need to be good to yourself, too. Cuz you can’t be good to anybody like this.”

I nod again, then grab my water from the floor. Once again, she proves to be right. Moving was still hard though, as it felt like the weight of a thousand bricks was keeping me down. Emotionally, I couldn’t do any of this anymore. Physically, I couldn’t move anymore. I just wanted all of this to be over. The drama, the anger, the crying, the hurting. I missed being around Benny without the pain in my chest. 

“His dad is taking him out to buy your homecoming outfits and then to dinner. By the way, he got your schoolwork for you,” she said, pointing to a stack of paper on the coffee table. “Now, Sarah is in my car waiting. So I have to go, because I work at five. So, you have to pick yourself up because i’m not your mom.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said, saluting to her. We both giggled. She squeezed me goodbye then headed outside. 

The absence of anyone’s presence filled me with a heavy empty feeling again. I looked at the spot where she had been sitting. I wished she was still there. I repeated her words in my head, making a mental note to ask Benny in a couple hours if he wanted to talk about his dad. Picking myself up always was the hardest thing to do, but lately it seemed near impossible. I swear, by the time I collected my school papers and made it up to my room, half an hour had passed.

Benny called me as the sun was setting. “Hey, how was seeing your dad?”

“Really weird. Like, so weird. He like, looks like me. And acts like me. Apparently he’s been living in Michigan all this time. But I got our outfits,” he says, requesting Facetime. I accept, and see him showing me the shopping bag. “So, I got us the ones online. I think the blues will be good together without being matching, you know?”

“Yes. They look good.”

“Do you want to try it on before Saturday?” 

“Uh, maybe. But I don’t feel good right now.”

He stayed quiet, camera on the bag.

“Are you still mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you. I just don’t feel good. Where did you go to dinner with your dad?” I asked, desperate for the subject to change.” 

“Some taco place in the plaza we were at. It was really good. We talked a lot.”

“Are you going to see him again?”

“Yes. He wants to take us out before homecoming.”

I almost choked on my spit. “Us, as in, you and me?”

“Yes.”

“You talked about me?”

“Of course, I did. You’re my only friend, dude. Besides like, fucking Erica. Can’t have him thinking I’m some friendless loser,” he said. 

“Ah, right. Not that you wanted to tell him about our very long and meaningful friendship,” I said sarcastically.

“Yeah, no, never that,” he replied, matching my sarcasm.

“But before homecoming?” 

“Yes, at five. So we have to be ready early.” 

“Did Erica tell you her and Sarah are cool now?” I asked.

“Yeah. Sarah totally cussed out Danielle in the lunchroom today. We had to hold her back from fighting her. You would’ve loved it,” he said.

“No way. She was defending your honor?”

“Yeah, it was crazy. Danielle started crying, which was kind of weird, considering she called me a pussy for crying myself. Kind of cathartic, though.”

“Damn. Well, good for Sarah.”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks for getting my work.”

“No problem.”

Silence falls over the line now. I felt sick thinking about meeting his dad, but happy they were so close, so fast. 

“What’s wrong, Ethan?” he asked, almost pleading.

“I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?”

“I can’t stand when you’re upset with me,” he said, quietly.

“I’m not upset with you.”

“You’re acting like it.”

“I just don’t like being called weird, even if you didn’t mean it that way. I thought we were past something… like that, being weird.”

“It’s different, though. And you know it.” 

“Yeah.”

Quiet comes again. 

“What do you think of me?” he asked.

“What?”

He sighed. “Never mind, goodnight dude. Feel better.” 

He hangs up. 

I close my eyes in defeat. He knows. He knows and I’m too scared to say it out loud. Even if he felt the same, who would want to be with someone scared to claim how they feel with their chest? Not me. I got the urge to just go over and tell Benny how I felt to his face, but the weight of the world wouldn’t let me move a muscle. Paralyzed with anxiety. Paralyzed by fear. I don’t think I could even type it, or write it down for him. 

I drifted off. A dreamless sleep welcomed me, a short relief from the mountains of information I have been forced to deal with daily. I couldn’t remember the time I fell asleep, as it happened without warning, so I couldn’t tell the time I awoke. First, it was my phone, vibrating viciously in my bed beside my face. I ignored it, knowing my alarm would be shrieking, so I was in no threat for being late to school. I silenced it, but a couple minutes later, it began again. My eyes slowly opened themselves, still and heavy. I was receiving a phone call from Benny. I declined it impulsively, then afterwards realized he would know I’m awake for sure now. 

Moments after, I shot up as a rock hit my window. One after the other, pebbles collided with my window, the frame, and the house beside it. Startled, I got up and walked over. The sun was nowhere to be seen, as no light helped my eyes, but I think I could make out a figure. I think the figure made me out, as well, because the pelting stopped. I pried open my window, cold to the touch and sending goosebumps down my back. Poking my head out, I saw him; Benny. 

He was in dark pajama pants and a grey-looking sweatshirt, hair in a mess, and a wild look in his eyes that could be seen from all the way at the second story. His hand was filled with rocks from my backyard. 

“What are you doing?” I whisper-yelled down at him.

“Get down here!”

“Dude, what fucking time is it?”

“Three, now come down already,” he said, pleading.

“Did someone die?” I asked, unamused.

“No, oh my god, just get down here, I can’t stand us being like this,” he pleaded some more.

“Like what, Benny?” I asked, monotone.

“COME DOWN HERE!” he yelled.

“Fine, fine, give me a second.” Anxious that he would end up waking up my parents if I didn’t comply, I stepped back from the window. I put on a hoodie, pants, and socks, and then crept out of my room, through the hall, down the stairs, cautiously past the living room, eyeing my dad still dead-asleep, and out the back door, shutting it softly behind me. The sky was black, without a sign of morning approaching, even at this early hour. I could make out a few stars, but the real spotlight was on the crazed boy standing in the grass, grey light reflecting off his skin, and shivering in the cold. I approached him, almost afraid. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Us, everything. You’re so fucking moody, and you’re so hard to read, and I don’t know what’s going on, or why you hate me so bad, or wh-”  
“Dude. Calm down. I don’t hate you, we can talk about this,” I said, trying to bring him down from the edge he seemed to be on.

“I just- I can’t sleep. Knowing you’re upset with me. The whole time I was with my dad, all I could think about was you hating me because I said the wrong thing.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Then why are you being so weird? And yes, you’re being weird, now, because we can’t talk like we used to,” he said, pain coating his voice. If I wasn’t so tired and in shock right now, I would be crying. 

“Benny, I just...well, you’re saying things are different. And they are. But I don’t know what you mean by…different,” I replied, in a desperate attempt to avoid saying the words. 

“Well, if you agree things are different, what do you feel like is different?” he asked.

“I don’t know.”

He turned his back to me and held his forehead in his hands. A pang of guilt shot through my stomach, and I reached out to turn him back from his shoulder. “Listen, okay, I don’t- Things got different after Danielle. Or, well, during Danielle. I just, like...I see you differently now,” I tried.

“What, because I’ve been with a girl now?” he asked, offended.

He stared at me, seeing what looks like hate in his eyes, so I took a deep breath and gritted my teeth. “No, Benny. Because you’re not with me.”

I watched his face change. Soften, almost, but undoubtedly, at a loss for words. I pursed my lips together, and shoved my hands in my hoodie pocket, looking to the side. The cold was biting, and my body was shaking for more than one reason now. Benny stayed silent. I turned around and walked back inside, leaving him out in the cold.


	11. 11.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys i’ve been working a lot so i didn’t have brain power to write lol

As soon as I walked back inside and shut the door behind me, the words that left my mouth only a moment ago finally registered. Sleep deprivation got the best of my judgement, and now I was left to deal with the consequences of what I’ve done. I handed myself more problems on a silver platter, at three in the morning on a Tuesday. Locking the door behind me guaranteed my safety, but only for now. 

When I returned to my room, I shut my window. Benny was nowhere to be seen in my backyard. Guess he finally came out of his shock. I sat on my bed and opened up my phone, telling Erica all the unfortunate details of what just happened. I apologized for knowing this was what she was about to wake up to in a few hours. 

Really, Benny lied, because it was three forty-five in the morning. I had two hours and fifteen minutes before I would even need to get ready to go to school, but at this point I’m not sure if that was going to be an option on the table today, again. How would I even show my face? I bet by the time the first bell rang, I would be hot gossip. Boy confesses his homoerotic feelings for straight best friend. I can see it now. 

Down the street, in a tucked away alley of vines and overgrown weeds, I found myself half an hour later. A box of cigarettes and a lighter were my only companions. The sun was still down, but if I looked closely at the horizon line, I could see a hint of the morning coming. A soft patch of weeds beneath me protected me from the hard, frozen dirt. Snow would start soon, just about any day now.

Really, I was freezing, but the burn in my throat and the burn in my lungs kept me warm. I felt like I couldn’t move, because if I did I would have to continue my day and deal with the consequences of my early-morning love confession. Loving cigarettes and their company was easier, more manageable, and less painful than rejection. I wish Benny would’ve said anything, literally anything at all, rather than stare at me like an anomaly. I could still feel the lingering of my vocal chords, the feeling of saying the words. “Because you’re not with me”. Territorial and possessive, and not in the slightest romantic or meaningful. They were words, poorly chosen and desperate, just to get Benny to calm down. But now, I was the one freaking out. 

I sparked my third cigarette already when the sun started rising. My head felt it was about to burst, with the pulsating headache from my exhausted body and useless thoughts. The sunrise was nothing spectacular; boring orange without any clouds to play with. I put out the cigarette butt and began the trudge home. 

Changed for school and made up as pretty as I could manage, I finally looked at my phone. I had left it here, just in case. Erica texted me, with a very enthusiastic but concerned response. I didn’t reply.

If I took the bus to school, there’s a chance I would see Benny. I didn’t want to make Erica choose between who to pick up today either. I decided I should just walk. Really, it wouldn’t be that far if I left now. Actually, I’d even be early. The thought of seeing Benny in my second hour without any way to avoid him made my stomach flip. Maybe there was a chance he fell asleep this morning and took everything as a strangely vivid dream. Maybe he would pretend like nothing ever happened. Maybe he could be the one to skip school for once. His grandma would kill him, though. I was having regrets, but the weight of my secret finally was off my chest. Now, the weight of being known was holding me down. If I thought about it, I never shared my feelings regularly. Everything about it proved to be difficult.

I paced at my bedroom door, unsure of if or when or how I should leave. Downstairs, I could hear my parents speaking civilly. Something about what they should make Jane for breakfast. For the first time in a long time, they were the least of my worries. 

I left. Walking out the front door and down my porch steps proved to be my biggest regret of the day, because Benny was on his own porch steps, sitting, probably waiting. I groaned and rolled my eyes, stopping in my tracks. I turned around to go back inside. 

“Ethan!” he called out.

I closed my eyes and just stopped moving. Momentarily, I thought maybe if I couldn’t see him, he couldn’t see me. Silly wishes.

“Ethan.” His words were audibly closer. I opened my eyes and just sat down in the grass of my front yard, watching him walk over to me. 

As he nears, he reaches down and yanks me up by the arm forcefully. “Jesus, dude.” 

“Did you mean what you said?” His eyes looked into my own with so much intensity I might have burst into flames. The pretty, unmistakable green eyes locked us both in a trance, and the only other thing I could focus on was his death grip on my forearm. 

“Benny, why would I joke about that shit?”

“I just didn’t know if you were serious.”

I shook his hand off of my arm. “If you’re just here to make fun of me for being gay just fuck off, I don’t want to-“

“I’M NOT MAKING FUN OF YOU!” he says, loudly.

“Jeez, okay. What do you want then?”

“I just want to talk.” The pleading in his voice hurt. 

“I don’t know what there is to talk about.” I looked away from his eye contact. Sharing how I feel is going to be hard enough; saying it to his face is next to impossible.

The biting cold outside ate at my skin and I knew I was about to start shivering so I zipped up my jacket. “You were jealous of Danielle because you want to be with me?” 

“Uh, that’s what I said,” I say, eyes closed and full of regret. So, he had heard me correctly.

“How long have you felt that way?” he asks, softly.

“I don’t know, I guess a while.” That part was honest, because if I think back I can’t pinpoint where the feelings changed from platonic to romantic. 

“So you’re gay?” 

“I don’t know, Benny! I barely even know what’s happening,” I snap. 

He looks at me, wordlessly. I decide now is the best time as any to get it off my chest. “You’ve been fucking with me this whole time, always trying to touch me and sleep in your bed with me. You say all these things that make me think I had a chance. Now you’re staring at me like I’m a creep and that’s the last thing I’m trying to be. If you don’t want to be friends anymore, that’s fine. Believe me, I understand. I hate myself for feeling this way but I don’t think it’s something I’m gonna get over. So if that’s what you’re gonna do, get it over with so I don’t have to feel so hurt anymore.” 

“You do have a chance, though.” 

“What?” 

“I said, you have a chance.”

“Huh?”

“Are you fucking dense, Ethan?”

I raised my eyebrows. “So you’re gay?”

He rolled his eyes at me. “Obviously not.”

“Then what do you fucking mean ‘you have a chance’? Are you trying to make me suicidal, dude? ‘Cus I’ll do it, if you keep fucking leading me on I’m not afraid to put a toaster in my bath tub,” I said, on a sarcastic tangent. 

“No, you’re too much of a pussy to do that. You couldn’t even say you love me to my face,” Benny retorted.

“Well, I’d have to love you to even want to do that,” I scoffed. 

“You already do.”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Why do you even open your mouth if you’re gonna be this difficult?”

“Why’d you even bother waiting for me to come outside if you’re gonna be such a dick? You know, it isn’t fucking easy saying you have feelings for your straight best friend.”

“I’m not straight, dude.”

At this point, I was becoming incredibly unamused with this conversation. “This is so fucking pointless, just leave me alone.”

“Oh my god, I’m in love with you, do I have to fucking spell it out?”

Now, it was me who was shocked, and stunned in place. 

“Oh. Right.”

I start laughing, the anger and awkwardness leaving my body while the nerves grow even stronger. Now Benny starts laughing, too. I don’t even know what we’re laughing at, but it feels good to not be yelling anymore. 

“You reek of smoke, dude.”

“What do you mean? I changed my clothes.”

“You don’t wash your hair and we both know it.”

“Whatever.” He was half-way right. I hadn’t had time. 

Later, during my third hour, Erica and I met up in the bathrooms of the farthest building, the empty-ish hallway that only held the few specialty classes my school had to offer. They were quiet, without a chance of anyone hearing us, because I had gossip to spill. 

Her and I crammed into a stall and leaned on opposite walls, feeling the coldness of the tile press into my back. She looked at me eagerly, waiting for what we were all dying to hear. 

“So, this morning, like I told you, he fucking threw rocks at my window, and made me come down to talk. He said he couldn’t sleep until we fixed things, and I ended up basically confessing that I had feelings for him. Then I went back inside. Chain smoked, tried to leave early to avoid him, but he caught me outside and then we were arguing about dumb shit. Like, it was so pointless, then he said he’s in love with me. And then he told me I smelled bad. Like, he’s so weird.”

Erica’s jaw dropped, then a confused look went across her face. “That’s it?”

“Yeah. We took the bus and then we just had second hour together but everything was...normal.” 

She furrowed her eyebrows. “No kiss? No ‘will you be my boyfriend’?”

“No.”

“So, like, are you gonna ask him out then?”

“I don’t know. Should I? Or, didn’t I already? To Homecoming?”

“Uh, I’m not sure that exactly counts, since things are different…”

“Well, what should I do then?”

“Ask him to be your boyfriend?”

I grimace slightly. “Do I have to?”

She laughs. “Is that not what you want?”

“I don’t know how relationships work or what they’re even like.”

“Well, this is how you find out.”

I mull over the thought for a while. I guess I should be the one to do the asking-out, but it still seemed impossible to get the words out. I don’t even know if I wanted Benny to be my boyfriend. The idea of having a significant other, let alone a boyfriend, was so foreign and confusing for me. Benny said he’s in love with me, but finding myself to be perceived as desirable in the slightest seemed alien, and too good to be true.

Never even having the door open for boyfriends as an option, rather than girlfriends, left me with too much to consider. Would we tell people? Do people already think we’re gay for each other? Do other people even think of us at all? The burden of being perceived was almost more mortifying than the burden of being known. Being known by my parents, and my sister, and maybe extended family, as succeeding in companionship while the pressure of my dad’s infidelity hangs over my head was too much for my brain to bear. How sad would it be if I could be more loyal than him. I guess when you see stars in the eyes of the person you love, things like loyalty come with ease.

Benny insisted I came over to play video games after school. After seeing my parents yelling in the front yard, it didn’t take much convincing to get me inside his doors. I didn’t bother wondering what they were arguing about; my best guess if I had to, would be that my dad thought about his mistress and my mom could sense it. Somehow women have that type of power, it seems. So much for their calmness at Jane’s breakfast this morning. 

After about an hour of playing The Legend of Zelda, Benny started going on about his essential oils. “Dude, my grandma has so many. She always talks about how she was a witch ‘back in the day’ so she keeps giving me all her old stuff as she cleans out the basement.” He picks up a cardboard box from the floor by his book shelf, filled with tiny oil bottles. He drops it on my lap and motions for me to look through it. Most of the names sound vaguely familiar, but I have no idea what they do. 

“Apparently grandma would go to anti war protests, too.”

“I can imagine that. She was probably a bad ass.” 

“Absolutely.” I smell the rose and cedarwood oils to appease him. 

“Which one is your favorite scent?” I ask.

He points to the peppermint one. I pick it up and open it up to smell it, and the scent smacks me in the face. “That’s really strong.”

“I know, I actually like lavender, I just wanted to see you do that,” he laughs.

“Not nice.”

He takes the box from me and sets it on the floor. Benny sits next to me on his bed, side by side. The butterflies in my stomach woke up, remembering the day’s events and that things were different now, even if for a moment I forgot. The air grew heavy in the quiet, as the home screen for the video game was the only thing breaking the air. Hesitantly, he reached for my hand, where it rested on my knee, and laced his fingers with mine. The first time affection between us had been understood on both ends. I only looked down at our hands between us, not daring to look him in the eyes. I grew scared that this was a dream, or a joke, and that the facts were going to come for me soon. His hands were softer than anticipated, now that for the first time I wasn’t so rigid when touching them and could think about details. 

Benny moved his other hand to the side of my cheek, pushing my face to look at him. I stared, knowing this was probably my que to do something, but finding myself frozen and wordless once again.

“Sorry I’m really bad at this.” 

He smiled. “It’s okay.”

The warmth of his hand burned into the side of myself, making itself a memory forever. I broke eye contact, looking at his other features. The pounding in my chest overwhelmed my body. 

I looked back at Benny, forcing myself to confront my feelings. Here he was, the boy I loved, trying to love me, too. Sometimes everything I feel around him makes me so overwhelmed I could just explode into a thousand pieces. I think right now was one of those moments. Benny pulled me by my face, forward, and kissed me with force. My eyes flipped shut, the nerves went away, and I finally felt like I was where I was supposed to be. 

He pulled back, dropping his hand from my face. I felt my face burn into a million shades of red, at a loss for words. What do people even say after moments like these? What words even do yourself justice? None, because everything I feel for him is too much to explain. The way he feels and the way he looks are too special for words. Well, maybe I just don’t know anything specific enough. Everything about this was incredibly awkward, knowing Benny had more experience than me, but him being nice enough to be patient. Right now, my only hope was for him to be patient enough for me to be able to get the words out for how I feel about him someday.


	12. 12.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall, my wifi has been out since friday, and my data ran out on like sunday, so although ive been able to write bc google docs doesnt need wifi, i havent been able to upload until now LOL plus ive been working too. anyways lmk what yall think

12.  
Benny walked me home that night, the short distance from his door to mine. On my front porch, in front of my door, he pulled me into a hug, his arms gripping my shoulders, and shoving my face into his. As uncomfortable as it was, I let it happen, because even if I didn’t know it, his blatant affection was something I’d been yearning for since forever. After I walked inside, I wished he had kissed me again. 

Knowing I’m meeting his dad in three days, as his probably-boyfriend, terrified me. Men and their dads were an uncharted territory, with no data on Benny’s dad even found in the history of dads, let alone how Benny’s dad feels about gay people. Shit, I barely know how my dad feels about gay people. But, I guess he doesn’t really get a say when he’s cool with infidelity. I stayed hopeful for acceptance when the day came, because another problem was the last thing I could handle. 

Do I tell my parents? Do I tell anyone besides Erica? Well, who really was there to tell? I’ll probably tell my mom if things go well. Asking Benny to be my boyfriend, officially, sort of drew more priority first. Flowers might be a good option, but the only flowers I know he likes are sunflowers and that’s probably only because of his grandma and the jungle she grows on their property. Never having asked anyone to date me before was proving to be a real handicap in my idea box. This type of thing could not even be important to him. The fact that I’m important to him is still something I'm struggling to come to terms with.

I slept early that night, making up for lost time of the day's events. It was too bad I couldn’t just always have Benny by my side. Maybe I was obsessed or something, which he would probably find weird, but everything seemed easier to manage when he was around. In the morning, I could already hear my parent’s bickering, and I knew that if I were next door, I wouldn’t have to deal with this at all. Yeah, maybe Benny and I were the ones doing the bickering, but it came from a different, purer place. 

I went downstairs. Early morning energy rattled throughout the house, from the dim light of the morning, to the echoing of the voices. The attempts at quietness that were almost-always failing. I passed both my parents on the way to the fridge, giving my dad a subtle look of disgust to start off his morning right. Their conversation has subsided to nothing, and I began cooking eggs and preparing my lunches. 

Thinking back to even just two days ago, things were completely different. Benny was still just a friend, and now today I think we’re lovers. I did notice something else new; the weight in my chest is gone. Who knew that doing the hardest thing would start making my life the easiest. 

An idea came to me. Before I left for Benny’s house, I wrote on a sticky note, and placed it on the inside of his bag. Maybe this would be too corny, or not special enough, but I felt like the simplicity of asking him out in a creative but small way fit us perfectly. Besides, if I don’t do it soon, I’ll talk myself out of it. 

I stared at the paper, yellow contrasting against the blue scribbling of mine. Even when I tried to write nicely, it didn’t turn out like I hoped for. I even added a heart, which I contemplated on for several moments. Is a heart too much? What’s too much when asking someone out? Truly, I have given up on the ability to know the proper social procedures for romance. 

Arriving at Benny's room, I see the already-made pile of clothes on the floor, music at an ungodly volume, and a chilled dog at the end of the bed. I take off my outside jacket and set it on the floor, then take in the sight of Benny staring intensely at himself in his full length mirror. “What’s wrong with the outfit?” I ask.

“I don’t like the way the pants colors look with the shirt colors.”

He was wearing a Star Wars T-shirt over a forest green sweatshirt, and black jeans. I thought he looked cute.

“You look cute.” The words came out, and I immediately gritted my teeth afterwards.

I saw his face turn pink through the mirror.

“Thanks. But I’m changing the pants still.”

He walked over to his drawers, then picked out a pair of light wash jeans instead. I looked to the side as he changed, eyeing his crystals on the desk. Maybe we’ve changed in front of each other half a million times, but the context has shifted since.

I glance, and he’s dressed now. He starts over to me, and then in one swift move, he takes my face in his hands and kisses me with confidence. I kiss back, burning the moment to memory. Benny is confident, and aggressive with what he wants. I know that now, being the object of his desire, because every time he’s shown me affection, he’s seemed sure of it. Envy washes over me, wishing I could be that confident, too.

“Anyways, good morning,” he said, pulling away.

“Hi,” I replied, shyly.

The way he felt still lingers on my face. He had already moved on to shoving things in his bag, in order from largest at the back, smallest in the front, but my eyes stayed locked on him, too entranced to move. Benny picked up my jacket and bag from the floor, then handed them to me. We pet his dog goodbye then headed out, me, still in autopilot .

Every moment of the day is sharp, now that I can act on my feelings for Benny. Euphoric isn’t even enough to begin to describe the way I feel. Every time I glance over at Benny during class, or in the hall way, or even think about him, my heart does this thing that makes me feel like i’m simultaneously dying, yet living for the first time. 

“Benny?” I say quietly, while we work on an assignment during second hour.

“Hm?”

I survey the prying ears around us. None of the girls at our table seem to be paying any attention, as they rather talk to each other. “Do you care like, if people know… about the gay thing?” 

He looks up. “What do you mean?”

“Like, if people know about us?”

“I have to be someone’s boyfriend first before there’s anything for me to care about.” 

I bit my lip and sort of just went back to working. I knew my plan for later was going to be executed, so I had to little pain to bear at the harshness of his comment. He wanted me to be the one to ask him, since he made the first move, and I can’t blame him for it. Really, I just wanted to know if I could hold his hand in the hallways. 

Lunch came, but not soon enough. I’d been staring at the clock for the remainder of the morning, because classes seemed to go by at half speed when one has something important planned. We seated at the lunch table, with Erica and Sarah joining us. I felt happy knowing Sarah is a good person who just got a little confused, rather than a bad person who judges Erica. I still had questions about that, but now was not the time. 

The loudness of the cafeteria muffled as I zeroed in, focusing on Benny. Smiling at the conversation Erica and Sarah were having, he was oblivious to the question awaiting him inside the bag his fingers fumbled with. Opening it, his eyes scanned, and a bit of surprise read across his eyes as he read my sticky note, chicken scratch in all its glory. 

Benny turned to me, lips pressed in a smile. “Yes, I will.” 

“Great,” I forced out, face burning. I really was the greatest at knowing the right thing to say.

Benny took the sticky note and put it into the small front zipper of his back pack. That was it. The moment felt sort of anticlimactic, but Benny’s my boyfriend now. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to feel; just right, because that’s the way it should be. No music score behind us playing that intensifies the moment, just the details of every day life when asking someone to love you exclusively. However, the knowledge that he’s officially my boyfriend now solidifies a lot of answers to questions I’m not sure if I’m ready for. I can’t go back now, or pretend it’s something that’s not happening. Secrecy is simple, and confrontation and honesty is not. 

Erica eyes me down, so I give her a thumbs up and a smile. Sarah, still oblivious, I wonder if she has picked up on a thing. Really, I don’t have even a second to think that, because as Benny is eating, he laces his fingers with min and sets our hands up gently on the table. I watch as Sarah glances down, then at Erica, who appears indifferent, or slightly amused. 

“Aw, you guys are so cute. Do you always hold hands?” Sarah asks.

“We’re, uh, dating.” 

Her eyes widen. “Ooooh, okay. You know, that makes more sense. Oh my god, I’m dumb.” She starts laughing and I laugh with her. 

“It’s okay. It’s recent.”

“Yeah, I just didn’t know you guys were gay.”

“I didn’t know I was either for a hot minute,” I reply.

“Yeah, well you guys are cute. Just don’t let Danielle know, she’ll probably write some nasty tweet about it.”

“Right, because we follow her twitter.”

Sarah laughs. “A lot of people from school do.” 

“Oh, right. Well I’ll keep an eye out for her.”

I think about it now, wondering what the people around us could think. Not that it changes how I feel about Benny, but the stress of facing any sort of comments about it make me nervous. I’ve known about half of these people since I was a child, and I guess this town wasn’t entirely conservative, but besides Erica, I’m not sure I know any gay people. Gay guys are definitely not hot on the market either, I probably just got lucky and found the only one out there. People here probably already think Benny and I are gay and were just waiting on the day we realized it ourselves. 

Would people care if Danielle told the world? Or would they support us instead? Maybe I should tell my parents before anyone else does. The feeling of holding his hand was worth whatever consequences came with it. 

After school, Benny came to my house, insistent on cleansing the energy. “I know you think I’m crazy, but I swear, the energy in there is terrible,” he says, grabbing his incense from his room before we head to my house. 

“That’s probably because it’s World War Three in there with my parents every day.”

“Well, obviously. But at least your room needs cleansing.” 

“My room needs cleaning,” I joke.

“I don’t doubt that.” 

“Maybe if the energy is better I’ll feel like cleaning.”

“See, now you’re getting it. You can’t do anything productive without good energy and a clear mindset.” I suppress an amused smile. 

“Agreed.” 

We get to my room and he lights his incense, lavender-scented this time. He just walks around my room, and I watch him from my bed in the corner. He focuses when he stands by the window, which probably has terrible energy from my chain smoking post-dramatic events. Benny walks over to me then cleanses the air directly around me. “You have a dark energy lately.”

“Why?” I ask, annoyed.

“Needless to say, you have a lot weighing on you.”

“I feel a bit better, now.” Our eyes meet and I give him a small smile.

“Good.”

He lets the incense burn in a glass jar afterwards. He arranges the crystals he’s given me on the window sill. He puts those in the line of smoke as well before placing them back. He’s real funny about the way he believes that stuff helps anything, but whatever makes him happy makes me happy for him. 

“My dad wants to hang out again, tonight,” Benny says when he sits down next to me. He leans against the wall then pulls me against his side. I try not to let my stomach flipping stop me from being able to function.

“Oh really? And do what?”

“I think he wants to take me into the city again. Probably feed me again. I’m not sure what father-son activities are these days. Like, you and your dad don’t do much together, right?” he asks.

“Sometimes we go to Jane’s soccer tournaments together. And we used to like, go to the park and play soccer or something, or we’d do yard work. I don’t know, I’m probably too old for him to have any new ideas. We wouldn’t have much to talk about these days.” 

“You’re still capable of yard work and soccer.”

“Yes, but not with him.”

“Fair enough. I guess it’s easier when kids are younger. I’ll let you know what we do. But you should probably meet him when he picks me up.”

I look up at him. “Meet him now? I thought I was going to Saturday.”

“You can talk to him more than once.”

“That’s scary.” I pull his arm tighter around my shoulder and then lean my head on his.

“Well, yeah, but he’s not scary. It’s awkward, not scary.” 

“Yeah. Okay. Sure. Do I look presentable enough to meet him?” 

He laughs. “I don’t think he cares.” 

“I washed my hair, if that makes a difference.”

“Oh, wow! Did the pigs fly?” 

I shove him sideways. “No, they did not. I’m just capable of doing such things.”

“A miracle, really.” He pushes himself up

“You’re mean.” 

“Yes and you’re stinky.”

“Not today.”

“I beg to differ.” I roll over to face away from him, pretending that my feelings were hurt.

“I’m joking!” He says, pulling me over by my shoulder. 

“Sure.” I smile, looking up at him. Want takes over rationality, so I grab Benny by his shirt and pull him down to kiss me. Warm, inviting, but still a new and foreign feeling to me. I think he was surprised by my forwardness; that makes two of us. 

I pull away. Continuing the conversation from this morning presses on my mind. 

“So, now that we’re together, can we talk about what I asked earlier?” 

“Sure. I don’t care if like, my grandma or people at school know about us, Ethan. I don’t care about other people like that. Everything is up to you.”

I think about his response momentarily.

“I just don’t know what my parents would think. But I don’t care if they know.” The words were strange in my mouth, something I never expected myself to be considering. 

“Fair enough.”

Affection from Benny would probably never come easily to me, because at this point I stil sat rigid as a rock. Time passed, and we waited for his dad to come. Benny just used his phone, and even took a picture of us together. The first one of us dating, though we had a decent amount of pictures together. Mostly taken by his grandma or my parents on special occasions, but pictures nonetheless. All incredibly awkward and forced, but that was changing. He sent me the picture, so I made a mental note to change it to my background later.

An engine pulled up, hearing it from inside. “My dad is here.”

“Exciting…”

“Don’t worry, dude. It’s not a big deal.” He breaks our contact and stands up. “I’ll come back for these,” he says, pointing to the box of incense on my nightstand. 

“Okay.”

“You ready?”

“If I must.” Heading downstairs, I felt like Benny and I were both entering a new stage of life, because everything is different now, I’m about to meet the shadow of a man who’s the whole reason I have the most wonderful person in the world in my life. So, as I gripped my front door, I prepared with a deep breath.


	13. 13.

On the way out, my mom called out and said goodbye to Benny. I barely registered it, overcome with anxiety. Honestly, I didn’t meet new people all that often. I guess Erica and Sarah were “new” people in my life, still, but I’ve gone to school with Sarah for years, and adults terrified the shit out of me. Especially ones that have a reputation of being a dead-beat, disappeared dad. Maybe this was selfish for me to think, but I’m not sure how to go about pretending like I don’t know that about him. 

I tried to hold it together in front of Benny. I know he likes me, but being a nervous wreck is kind of unattractive. We stepped outside, and the air was colder than when we came home from school. The sun burned a muted orange, because the days were short now and the nights were longer. I stood on the porch, waiting for Benny to finish tying his shoes. His dad drove a black Honda sedan, nothing exciting, nothing special. I eyed him, watching him step out of the car and lean against the side of it. He waved, and I waved back. The car was parked almost directly in the middle of our houses.

“Okay. I’m done.” Benny sort of shoved my elbow to get me back out of my head. Walking down the porch steps, my stomach flipped what I could count to be a thousand times, and the knot in my throat continued to dominate my emotions. 

“Hey, bud,” his dad greeted him by a slightly-awkward side hug. 

“This is Ethan, my boyfriend,” Benny says, gesturing to me. Which really wasn’t needed, but it was dramatic and cute.

I sort of get caught off-guard, realizing he is just going with the raw truth of our relationship. I tense up, but manage a ,”Hi, nice to meet you,” and a handshake.

His dad had the same brown hair, same green eyes, and same tallness as Benny. Eerily enough, the similarities between them have a daunting quality. Almost ironic, almost haunting. After a few more exchanges, his dad asks,”How long have you two known each other?”

“Um, a long time. Since we were, like, twelve probably,” I force out.

“Have you been dating that long?” he jokes.

“No, no, that’s recent,” Benny laughs.

“That’s sweet. I definitely did not see many guys dating their friends in my day, but that’s the great thing about modern times,” he said, assuming it was some sort of joke. 

“Oh, yeah, for sure. Definitely new to me, too” I could feel myself turning pink again. 

“Well, I look forward to talking with you more on Saturday. Are you ready?” his dad says, then directs his question at Benny.

“Yep. See ya.” Benny walks to the other side of the car.

“Bye.”

I stroll back up to my house and listen to the two drive off. Saddened by the lack of goodbye, I feel like a deadweight going up the stairs to my bedroom. I don’t know why it brought me down so hard, but I wish he would’ve at least hugged me goodbye or something. It would’ve felt awkward, yes, but the void in his absence was felt immediately. 

I called Erica. Her work was slow tonight, so she insisted she had time to talk. “I miss seeing you. Can we hang out tomorrow, I work at five?” she asks, a couple minutes into the conversation. 

“Yeah, for sure. What are we doing for homecoming?” I asked.

“Well, Sarah is back on board, obviously. But I know you have “Dinner with boyfriend’s dad” to attend to first. How long do you think that will be?”

“I don't know. Not forever, I think I’ll be a nervous mess the whole time. I met him earlier, and it was so awkward.”

“No way! He’s real? What happened?” she teased.

“He was nice, I guess. Made some joke about guys not dating each other when he was younger, but other than that I’m not sure what he’s like. Benny rushed off with him, we only got to talk for a minute.”

“Weird. Well, after your guy’s dinner, we can come pick you up to pregame.”

“We’re pregaming homecoming?”

“Yes, of course we are. That’s the only way it’s enjoyable. Then after we are going to a party.”

I cringe. “Oh, you know what happened last time I went to one of those.”

“Don’t vomit this time,” she says sarcastically.

“I’ll try my best. Who’s party?”

“Seniors. There’s a big mansion-esque house towards the edge of town that usually does them.”

“Oh, alright. Well, sounds fun.” I hear her clank a bunch of dishes around. 

“So, now that my romantic life is solved, do you like anyone, Erica?” I teased.

She laughs into her microphone. “No. Not at all. The girls here aren’t my type.”

“You’ve met every girl?” 

“Yes, every last one. Besides the hot moms, I think I’m good.”

“Super lame. We can’t go on double dates.”

“Sarah exists still,” she replied.

“Just date Sarah.”

“Miss Bimbo? Yeah I’m not so sure about that,” she laughed again.

“Oh, whatever. We have to find you a girlfriend.”

“Let’s find my dad first.” Now it’s me who’s laughing.

“That was a good one. Fair enough.”

Saturday morning. The day came without mercy, as every moment since my phone call with Erica seemed to go a mile a minute. I woke up, in my own bed, alone. The chill of the air threatened to make its way under the covers, but I was going to fight it off for as long as I could. I began replaying the events of last night through my head. 

The four of us went to the homecoming football game together. Sarah had just got a car, despite having her license for quite some time, so she was the one doing the carpooling tonight, giving Erica a chance to not be the designated driver for once in their friendship, so I was told. “I don’t think I’ve been to one of these since last year,” I said to Benny when we got through the gates.

“No, we haven’t. Kind of boring, honestly,” he answered, then took my hand to hold. A sinking feeling went through my whole body, the fear of judgement and being known entering my system yet again. I didn’t draw back, but I will admit the public affection was making me sweat despite the snow forecast for that night. I just hate questions. Like, more than anything. 

“Try sitting through Jane’s soccer tournaments. Literally last for fucking hours.”

“I have, remember. And I think I’d rather die than do so again.”

“Oh, true. And yeah, me too.”

Erica got drunk off a water bottle she filled with vodka, and even provided Benny and I one to share. I will admit, football was a lot more enjoyable when the players moved like waves. Benny said something about them looking like dolphins and I couldn’t get over it for the rest of the night. I’d never felt this tipsy before, and looking back I realize that the fear of being seen went away, because by the end of the night Benny and I were kissing in the bleachers, and I didn’t think twice about it. 

But then the morning came, and I was nervous all over again. My biggest wish at this point was for things to be easier to say aloud and do without feeling like I was going to vomit. You cannot build Rome in a night. 

I left at three to get ready with Benny, as requested to. He insisted we dress in our coordinating outfits immediately, so he can pick them apart until he feels “better”. Whatever that means.

“Are you bringing this jacket for it?” he asks, picking up my black, unspecial winter jacket. It has a fuzzy lining but some of that wind-breaking, almost suede-like material on the outside.

“Yes, why?”

He makes me put it on, then stands back and looks at me with the outfit together. The blue of the sweater he got me, white stripe across the chest, is probably clashing with the black, I can just see it in his face.

“Do you want to borrow one of mine?”

“Why is it a big deal? I know the stripe and the jacket don’t match, but it's gonna be dark, anyway.”

“For the pictures.”

“What pictures?”

“The ones my grandma will insist on taking.”

“I can take it off for the pictures.”

He thinks for a moment.

“I guess.” He then starts holding up different necklaces against his coordinating navy-blue turtleneck. I just know that part is going to take an eternity.

Benny decides on a long necklace with a black string, and a blue crystal clamped in some thick wires. I don’t say anything as he stares at himself, not wanting this to take any longer than it needs to. I swear, if he could have the walls in his room switched out for mirrors, he would. But one time I said something like that, and he told me that’s terrible for witchcraft. Something about fairies stealing your soul.

After, he spends like fifteen minutes attempting to make my hair at least half as nice as his, to which he fails miserably. “I just don’t understand why I can’t wear a hat.”

“It won’t look right.”

“Benny, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I don’t care. My hair is as good as it’s gonna get, so leave it alone, OR let me wear a hat.”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Okay, fine.”

“Your grandma will love the pictures either way.”

“Yes, but I want to like them, too.”

“You don’t like how I look?” I tease.

“I love how you look.” I suppress a smile as my face turns hot. 

“Thanks.”

Benny’s grandma doesn’t take nearly as long with the photos as Benny did fussing over them. He made his grandma tell him to tilt his head in about fifteen different degrees before he was happy. The whole time for myself, I tried making my smile relaxed, and my body relaxed too, because I just knew I looked incredibly stiff and awkward. Every photo Benny had his arm around my shoulder and put mine on his waist. Couples pictures. 

Evelyn sent the pictures to both of us when they were done picking the best ones. I stared at the door and out the front window, anticipating the dinner with his dad more than worrying about how the pictures turned out. “Grandma, Ethan is nervous to talk to my dad,” Benny blurts out.

“Uh, what? Oh yeah, I mean. Kind of,” I stammered, coming back down to earth and into the living room.

“Don’t be nervous, he doesn’t bite.”

“I just don’t know what to talk to him about,” I said.

“Anything. Just get to know him,” Benny replied.

“He liked cars when he was growing up,” his grandma said.

“Okay. I’ll ask him about that, but I don’t know anything about cars.”

“Neither do I. He just asks me questions, dude, he won’t even do any of the talking,” Benny said.

“That’s worse. I don’t know what to say about myself that doesn’t sound lame.”

“He won’t think you’re lame.”

“He might secretly,” I said.

“I think he’s genuinely trying to know Benny and his life. Give him the opportunity,” his grandma said.

“I’m trying.”

“He’s not all big and bad like he seemed,” Benny said.

With that, I saw the black car pull up outside. No more avoidance or worrying, only performance now. We said bye to Benny’s grandma then walked to the car. I think I blacked out for the car ride, because after 15 minutes I only started remembering details again after being seated in a sushi restaurant. Benny’s choice, of course. The place had a dark grey and green color scheme, and was generally quiet compared to other places I’ve been. The whole front of the restaurant opened up into a deck to see the outside. The three of us sat at a booth, Benny and I on one side, his dad on the other. I could watch outside with ease. Watching the birds fly around brought me down.

“So, what do you do for work?” I felt myself ask. We had just ordered drinks.

“Construction. I just started at a new place in the city.” 

“Oh that’s cool. What are you guys building?”

“Currently, we’re building a guest home for a private property. What do you like to do?”

“Oh, um, you know, I like a lot of the same things Benny does. Video games, comics, stuff like that,” I say.

“Are you into that witchy stuff, too?” he jokingly asks.

I laugh and tell him no. “That’s not really my thing, but it’s still cool stuff.”

Benny has entirely checked out. When I glance over to him, he's staring across the restaurant at a painting of two black birds, stirring his water lazily with the straw. He has, mentally, abandoned ship, leaving me to perform a one-man show. I can’t help but think he could be doing it on purpose.

“Benny’s grandma said you like cars. Do you have any special ones?” 

“Yes, actually, I’ll show you,” he says, taking his phone out. A moment later, he shows me a black Chevy, obviously a classic car.

“What kind is it?”

“A 1970 Monte Carlo.”

“Oh, wow. I bet that’s super hard to find.”

“Absolutely. Worth a pretty penny, too. Actually, Benny, I was thinking you could go driving in it with me sometime,” his dad says. Benny gradually comes back into the conversation, his eyes slowly pulling away from the artwork.

“I don’t know how to drive,” he replies.

“Do you want me to teach you?” his dad asks tentatively.

“Sure,” Benny says with a closed lip smile after. His face drops and he loses focus again. My teeth begin to grind, feeling like something is bothering him about me.

“Who taught you to drive?” I asked.

“My dad did, Benny’s grandpa.”

“That’s pretty cool. I think my moms going to teach me.”

Food came. Benny picked at his sushi with chopsticks, pulling them apart and eating them in strange little pieces. I ate mine normally, and tried to not stare at his dad while he was eating because I didn’t want to be weird. This would be going so much better if Benny would just engage with us. At this point, I’m wondering why he agreed to this dinner at all, because he seems like he wants to be here the least out of the three of us.

Benny’s mood slightly eases, and on the way back to drop off us, his dad starts a heart-to-heart. “You know, I’m not sure what Benny’s told you about me, or how much he remembers-“

“He knows everything there is to know,” Benny cuts in, clearly annoyed with where this was going.

“Right. Well, I just want both of you to know that I plan on being around and you’ll see a lot more of me. I know it doesn’t make up for lost time, but I sure want to try,” he says, looking ahead at the road still.

“Oh, yeah. That’s great,” I say. 

“Thanks,” Benny says, that being all. 

By the time we get back, Erica and Sarah are already waiting out front for us in Sarah’s car. We say goodbye to his dad pretty quickly, Benny remaining cold and reserved. All that anxiety over how I would act with Benny’s dad and he decided to be the one to be weird. 

“Hey guys!” Sarah says as we move into the back seats of her car, brimming to the lid with excitement.

“Hey, how’s your guys day going?” I ask.

“Super good. Erica is already drunk.” 

“No, I’m not,” Erica slurs. We all burst into a laugh. “I’m tipsy. Get it right.”

“Right, and we’re all straight,” Benny jokes.

They laugh again and then move into the game plan. “Okay, we’re gonna go back to the parking lot around the corner from the school to pregame, and then we can go in. Sound good?” Erica asks.

“Sounds great,” Benny says, responding for us both.

Sarah takes off driving, so I turn to Benny, knowing this is the closest we’ll get to privacy for awhile. 

“What was wrong?” I ask, point-blank.

He seems to be suppressing the urge to tell me to shut up. “It’s just hard, dude. I got to put on a different person around him, and I didn’t want you to see that side of me. And hearing him talk so nonchalantly to you about his life sucked.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. How do you have to act different?”

“It’s just not myself. A lot more...wounded, I guess.”

“You seemed pretty wounded either way.”

He gives a short laugh. “Trust me, it was better that way.”

“Did I ask something wrong?” 

“No, Ethan. Just let it go, okay? The problems are between me and him, not me and you.” 

“I just don’t want to make it worse for you two.”

“Shut up, and kiss me already.” He grabs me by my neck and pulls me across the back seats to meet his lips. The worry melts away, and for a second it feels like Benny and I are the only two people in the world. His lips are warm, and becoming more familiar by the day. His arm pulls me closer to his body, and my hands find his face. The way our lips move against each other make everything start to feel heavy, and the closeness between us could never be enough for my wanting.

“GET A ROOM!” Erica yells. 

“You guys are nasty,” Sarah laughs. She turns up the music, and feeling Benny laugh against my lips lights a fire in my chest I can only describe as being the closest to happiness I’ve ever been. If only in that moment I would’ve known this would be the night my life changed forever.


	14. 14.

By the time we got inside the gym for homecoming, I was completely gone. We passed around a blunt and bottle of liquor in the car before making our way over to the school, but I was already higher than a kite before we left the car. Sarah abstained from the liquor, emphasizing on her need to not get in a car crash later. Becoming an unreliable narrator at this state in my inebriation, the details to the night became soft and blurry. However, key and important moments stuck in my memory.

“You’re short, you and Sarah are going to be in the middle,” Benny said to me when arranging the four of us for a picture. He flagged down a trendy-looking freshman to take a group picture of us. 

“I’m not short,” I muttered.

He laughed and pushed me and Sarah together, then stood on my other side. Erica kept a dark expression, while the rest of us were smiling like clowns. I can’t help but think about how stunning she looks in red. And if I think about it some more, I realize it’s the first time I’ve seen her wear anything colorful.

The homecoming dance itself blurred like watercolors, remembering only shapes and the heat of the gym against my skin. Honestly, keeping track of the three other members of my party crew proved to be the most challenging aspect, because when you’re cross-faded everyone’s face looks the same under strobe lights. Benny’s smile stood out, though. There isn’t a place on this planet where I wouldn’t recognize the crooked, dazzling smile that decorates his face when he looks at me. 

Terrible top-forty music deafened my ears, but my sense of touch stayed sharp when I felt Benny’s hands on my waist as we danced. He grew a habit of twirling me around and then I grew a habit of trying not to heave over the trash can from the motion sickness. “Are you okay?” he’d ask me every time. I kept giving him a thumbs-up and focused on my breathing. 

Benny seemed so much happier than earlier. I went to sit down on the bleachers that lined the gym with Erica while Benny and Sarah danced together. “Are you having fun?” I asked her, speaking over the music. 

“Yeah, I’m more excited for the after-party, though.”

“I’m nervous, I’ve never been to a big party.”

“There’s plenty of privacy in ragers. No one will notice you being a geek,” she teased.

“What? You did not just call me a geek.”

“Ethan, you’re struggling to keep your dinner down.”

“Not all of us are seasoned partiers.”

Silence fell over us for a moment. I watched Benny spin Sarah around and then I observed the height difference between them. Contentment washed over me, happy that Benny and Sarah could still be friends after the miscommunication. 

“You know, I thought about what you said about me needing a girlfriend,” Erica says.

“Oh, really? And what did you conclude?”

“Well, it feels like I might have had one all along.”

I smile, knowing what she means. Seeing her not want to say something aloud makes me feel like her and I are one-in-the same about love. I reach out, feeling her hair, pin-straight and blonde, and out of her beanie-ponytail combo for the first time in weeks. 

“You look very pretty, Erica.”

“Thanks, you look not-so grungy today.”

“You’re the best at compliments.”

“I try to outshine.”

At the end of the dance, a slow dance played. Benny held me tight, and I laid my head on his shoulder as we swayed back and forth. Being so close to him felt like the closest thing to safety I’d ever known. I could see Erica and Sarah on the bleachers from where we were dancing, and they were talking, giggling, and very close together. I suppress a smile, hoping Erica could be happy. 

“Don’t worry guys, I sobered up. I won’t kill us,” Sarah says as we pile back into her car.

“Thank god, I still feel dizzy,” I say.

“Eat something,” Erica says, lighting a cigarette after putting on her seat belt. 

“Like what?”

She throws a granola bar at me from her backpack. “Ow, thanks.”

Sarah drives us across town. “This is a McMansion,” Benny says. I raise my eyebrows at him and laugh. “What? It so is.” He had a point. The property was at least half an acre and the house had a roof so high it looked like it was going to graze the sky. Built with grey bricks and a black roof, it looked like something my mom would watch on HGTV. We park on the lot next to about a dozen other cars. I finish my granola bar and start to feel a bit better. Maybe this is too hopeful but maybe this mansion party will have food inside. Erica drank more from the liquor bottle on the way here, maybe a little too fast because Benny has to help her out of the car so she doesn’t fall on her face.

“I’m fine, I promise.”

“Can you walk?” he asks, laughing. She moves her arm from over his shoulder and slowly begins walking. 

“Yes.”

I smirk and tell Benny to help her on the way up. The walk feels like a marathon, up the cobblestone driveway that stretched out for at least three-hundred feet. A couple other groups of kids from school are walking up to, recognizable from the dance. The double doors are even taller than I expected, and the first thing inside the house is a chandelier, looking more expensive than my whole life is worth. We help Erica sit down on the bottom of the stairwell. 

Benny and I found ourselves with a group of guys by the pool in the backyard, passing around a couple blunts between the five of us. “Bro, I didn’t even want to go to that dance but Chloe made me,” a guy with dark hair says.

“Yeah, where is she now?”

“Puking in the bathroom. I don’t even know how she’s having fun.” 

Somehow we had got into their circle by talking about video games with them, but nearing girl talk was making my thoughts race. “Where’s your guys dates?” 

“Oh, we’re each other’s dates,” Benny says, passing them the blunt. My teeth clench in anticipation.

“Oh, you guys are that gay couple, huh?” the guy with brown hair says. I think I have geometry with him.

“Yeah.” 

“People call us that?” I ask.

“Yeah, I just didn’t know what you guys looked like,” the dark haired boy said.

“I thought you were dating Erica,” the one with brown hair says to me.

“Oh, no. Not my type,” I laugh.

“Only tall, skinny guys?”

I laugh again. “Sure, I guess. Why are you at a party if homecoming isn’t your thing?” I ask.

“To make Chloe happy. She loves these things, but I just can’t get into them like her.”

“Too loud or crowded?”

“Crowded. Barely know the people here, even if I do go to school with most of them. Like, I don’t even know your name,” he says. Focusing on his every word and processing it became my main objective. Every meaning I clung to, wanting to understand.

“Ethan. Yours?”

“Joseph, but you can call me Joe.” He shook my hand and laughed, and I found the formal greeting amusing as well.

“So, Joe, how do you and Chloe get along with nothing in common? Benny and I have almost everything in common,” I say, glancing to Benny, who was beside me on his phone.

“I don’t know, I just know she’s special and I don’t want to miss my chance.”

“Don’t you wanna go help her since she’s throwing up?”

“She told me not to.”

“Weird… girls make no sense.”

“That’s why you don’t date them,” he teased. Genuinely, he got a good laugh out of me.

“Damn right. Nah, but I hope you and her find things you both like to do.” 

“Yeah, me too.”

Back inside. Somewhere in between there’s a hole in my brain, and the next detail of the night is Benny and I upstairs, in a room that resembles a parlor. Joe made us all take shots, so how I got here or what we’ve been doing since escapes me. I’m sat between Benny’s legs, him holding my shoulders from behind, and he seems to be focusing on something important. I focus on my surroundings, like the built-in, wooden bookshelves, colored deep brown. The matching floor boards, and furniture that’s too antique and expensive-looking to be subject to the comradery taking place.

Around me, voices start to make themselves known. Everything has been muffled and nonsensical for the several minutes that my eyes have been open. My eyes scan, looking for the source of sound. I spot it; the pin-straight hair, tall stature, and unchanging annoying voice. Danielle.

“What’s going on?” I ask Benny.

“She’s been yelling at some guy for several minutes. Well, they’re yelling at each other.”

“About what?”

“She caught him making out with a girl that isn’t her in the bathroom. Then she dragged the girl by her hair and has been yelling at him ever since. You missed quite the show.”

“She already found a new boy toy.”

“Yep.”

“You don’t wish that was you?” I joke.

“Nope. I’m good right here, safe from my scalp being yanked.”

The parlor doors are wide open, into the hallway, where we get a view of Danielle and her new boyfriend yelling. Quite a crowd has gathered at this point, and I thank the dim lighting for keeping us hidden. I drift off again, not caring enough to find out what happens. 

Benny wanted to go home, so we begin a search for Sarah and Erica. “Basically they just kept yelling until Danielle tried to swing at him and then his friend picked her up and took her away,” Benny said, filling me in on what I missed.

“She sounds absolutely insane.”

“Every time I hear about her, it’s never normal.”

We walk down the stairs, hand in hand. The party seems to still be going but not with the intensity as when we first arrived. Benny’s idea to leave was a relief, because the desire to just be in my own bed was growing by the second. Hopefully I could convince Benny to come with me. 

I spot Erica and Sarah at the bottom of the stairs, taking note of Erica holding Sarah’s face while they kiss. If she hadn’t so much as confessed to me earlier, I would’ve been surprised. Benny, however, couldn’t help but be clueless. “Oh, wow. I didn’t see that one coming. Do you think they’re just drunk?” he asks.

“Nah, Erica told me earlier.”

“I didn’t think Sarah was into girls.”

“For being gay, you have a terrible gaydar.”

“Not true. I knew you were gay as hell since the day we met.”

“Shut up, that’s not true either.”

“Listen, I just don’t understand women,” Benny emphasizes.

“Right, okay.”

“Oh, Earth to Sarah and Erica, it’s time to leave,” Benny sing-songs. Embarrassed, they break apart giggling. 

The amber-colored lighting inside the car from the street lights is what keeps me from completely falling asleep again in the relaxation of a car ride. Benny traces patterns on the back on my hand, looking like he’s about to fall asleep himself. The shadows under his eyes reign purple despite the orange light fighting to cancel it out. Only the hum of the engine fills the otherwise silence in the car. 

Our parting words with the girls were filled with exhausted admiration for the night they’d given us. Benny took me by the hand and helped me out of the car like a real gentleman into the street. When I looked up after closing the door behind me, I noticed something about my house appeared wrong. It was four in the morning, but my mom knew what I was doing. It couldn’t be her attempting to kill my night, so the reasoning behind all the lights being on and shining brightly through the windows defeated reason. 

Sarah drove off, leaving Benny and I standing in the street in front of my driveway. “Why are all the lights on? Is your mom going to be mad?” Benny asks.

“Uh, no. Doubt it. I don’t know why.”

He follows me inside. Hesitantly, I open the door with as much discrepancy I could manage in my drunkenness. Everything felt louder than usual. In the front room, I can see shoes strewn about in the walkway. In the living room, the couch is flipped on its side, and the coffee table, made out of some cheap Ikea wood, was split down the middle and folded inwards. Eerie silence fell over the house, with every light on but not a single sound to be heard.

We crept towards the kitchen, the world spinning beneath me. At the kitchen island seats my dad, a bottle of beer in his hand, staring straight down at the countertop. He looks aged about a decade from the last time I could remember looking at him attentively.

“Where’s mom?” I ask. 

There’s a beat of apprehension before he speaks. “She’s… she’s uh, gone. At least, won’t be coming back to the house. She told me to tell you to call her as soon as you can.”

“What did you do to her?”

“Nothing, I just-“

“Lies. All you do is try to make her look bad. What did you do?” 

He sighs. “She caught me. Again. With that woman.”

“You brought her here?” 

He nods.

“You’re unbelievable. You had to keep being trash when you could’ve changed. Why was she even here, I thought she said she was sorry.”

“Your mom wants a divorce, Ethan.”

“Good! So do I!”

“Sometimes things just don’t work out between adults.”

“I’m not a child, anyone with a brain knows cheating is wrong. You could’ve waited.” 

“Ethan, you just don’t understand. When you’re older-“

“Oh my god, just shut up. I can’t believe you.”

The ceiling became my only company. Benny slept next to me, still as rock and as silent as one, too. The grey shadows broke through my window, gently illuminating the features of my bedroom. My eyes wouldn’t close even when I tried. You’d think after being white-girl wasted for eight hours, my body would be yearning for more rest. But my mind rejected the peace sleep would bring me. 

I felt sorry Benny had to see that happen. I felt sorry he’s going to have to deal with the repercussions of my life falling apart, yet again. When I tried to tell him to go home, he refused. Dragged me to my bed and insisted I sleep off the anger. Call my mom in the morning to figure out where to go from here. He fell asleep like a light switch, holding my arm and resting his head on it. If he weren’t here, I think I’d be crying by now.

Snow began to fall around six. I stood at my window, watching it coat the ground for the first time this season. Snow has a beautiful, fragile quality to it. Untouched and undisturbed, it says perfection, it says delicacy. The beauty and peace in nature reflect almost nothing about my current predicament. Benny was the only perfect and beautiful thing I could see personally. He looked so peaceful, deep in his sleep. The dim light from the sun behind the clouds began shining on his face, but his eyelids remained closed. 

By the time I was sober, Benny began to stir. I had returned to lying next to him, but on my phone in an ill-fated attempt to keep myself distracted. His eyes fluttered open, and after rubbing them a few times, he locked his gaze on me. 

“It snowed outside.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, go look.” He slowly pulled himself out of the covers and to the window. 

“Wow. It always amazes me, every year.”

“Me too.”

Later in the morning Benny returned from my bathroom. He came behind me, hugging me and resting his chin on my shoulder. “You should call your mom.” 

“Why does she always choose to leave me?” 

“I don’t know. My dad says he thought I would have been better off without him.”

I sigh. Typing in my passcode, I found her contact, and hit call. Preparing for the worst, my heart rate increases about a million times as I wait. The way I turn mute when she picks up takes me by surprise. 

“Ethan? Hi.”


End file.
